Ramblings

Wow, so been awhile.  Since September not much has happened in the way of exciting.  Mostly going to India the end of October and going on a Disney cruise a few weeks ago.  Both trips were amazing!!  I loved India, I want to go back.  The cruise was awesome!  Very top of the line and did not disappoint, as Disney rarely does for me.

I don't really know what to write any more on a blog.  Updates on life?  Well, my life is pretty mundane and boring, pretty normal.  I know that I don't have a huge fan base of readers wanting me to write more....give me a break.  I don't want to be the cutesy blog showing only the perfection of my absolutely perfectionless life. 

Which goes back to my life being pretty normal and boring.  Its hard to go through the normalness of life, the every day grind.  Work, sleep, friends, family.  I expected it to be grand and glorious when I was little.  "Grown up" life seemed so glamorous.  I didn't expect to feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally, be alone and feel alone, struggle with depression, struggle daily with my body image and relationship with food and the addiction that would become.  I didn't expect I would ever put a knife to my skin and feel as if it were the relief I needed in the moment of so much emotional pain.  I didn't know that I would feel forsaken and left alone by God and struggle with an actual relationship and come to grips of with what I believe and if I really did believe.  I didn't think I would ever question what I believed about God.  I didn't expect some relationships with friends and then losing the relationship or certain aspects of them.  I did not know the depth of pain from death and losing some remnant of complete security and love until 2 years ago.  I never thought I would see a complete shell of a woman staring back at me with sad, blank, dead eyes.  I did not know the depth of wounds I have received and the depth of those I have given.

I would love to say my life is GREAT!  Until it becomes that way (if ever), I will figure out what to do about this blog.