Do you ever feel like you are constantly fighting the effects of the Fall? Or feeling them heavily in your life? Lately, the weight of sin and filth has come heavy on my heart, like a burden I carry around. A burden of loneliness, depression, filthy sin, and wandering. There are times when I think or feel I am "unaffected". Then some days I feel the weight so heavily as I do tonight, pressing down on me. It seems more than I can bear at times. And I question the reasoning behind it, and I question the goodness of my Savior.

And I am ashamed.

I am broken.

But I am not alone.

A few Christmas pictures

Here was my surprise entry from yesterday:

Me and Grams

Me and Grandpa

John playing outside in the white Christmas

Natalie joined us via Skype!!

Merry Christmas!! It was a good day yesterday! I flew out yesterday morning and got in about noon time. I made it just in time for Christmas dinner that had been "scheduled" just right by my mom. Melissa picked me up at the airport and we headed back to my aunt's house. We hid in her car for about 15 minutes at the end of the street until everyone had arrived. It was a good surprise. Melissa went in as if everything was normal, then I came in afterwards and surprised everyone!!

We also had a white Christmas!! It was so nice. There were snow flurries most of the day and about an inch of snow on the ground. I like snow on Christmas, makes the kid in me come out.

The second party is tomorrow at my other grandparents, then back to reality on Monday.

Merry Eve of Christmas Eve from Christmas past:

And Christmas present:

Feeling encouraged and refreshed to work one day tomorrow and then enjoy some great time with family. Please pray for safe flying weather on Christmas Day!

As The Beach Boys and Hanson once said: Christmas comes this time each year, Merry Christmas, Baby!

I have come to accept that work will always be:

1. Busy

2. Crazy

3. Hectic

4. Drive me to craziness and possibly end with a drinking problem.

Ok, not really on number 4. I am finally feeling a little more confident, a little more getting the hang of the unit, patients, doctors, nurses, etc. Still having my own issues with remembering etiologies, pathophys, meds, labs, vents, procedures. It is a HUGE adjustment. If you'd asked me when I was hired if I was scared, I would've said nope! But it makes me feel better that I am in a good place. The unit is great and there is a ton of learning!

It also makes me realize:

1. I never want to be overweight

2. I never want to have diabetes

3. I never want to have uncontrolled HTN

4. I never want to be a chain smoker (the occasional cigar never hurt a girl, huh?)

5. Basically I never want to get old and have my body break down

I realize a lot of my blog is about work. Well, folks, there's not much else going on in the life of Allison right now. I have joined a life group and have met with them on 2 occasions around holidays. I have hung with some friends here and there. I got a Disney pass. But not too much excitement.

I do have time off for Christmas, 4 days!! So, I'm flying to see family. But, shhh, its a secret! My parents and sisters know, but no one else. It can only be a secret for so long, but it will be great. Pray for no snow on my landing and take offs!!

I watched Lars and the Real Girl last night. What a great little movie!! I loved the story line, the characters. What I especially enjoyed was the sense of community in the movie. I recommend it! I'm not good with movie reviews, especially without giving away the plot. So, just watch it.

Working all this weekend. Today wasn't so bad, just staying on top of what to do, plus LOADS of charting! LOADS!!! Tomorrow, Monday, and Thursday are my work days this week. Then I have 4 days off for Christmas!! Hurrah!

I found this picture while browsing old ones. It is from 2004 Christmas. Every time we visited my grandparents, my great aunt and uncle would have us over for dinner one night. At Christmas we looked forward to laying in front of the fire and catching up. This picture brings back so many great memories!! My Aunt Georgia passed away a year ago in October from various health ailments. Throughout her struggles she was a strong woman. She was an outgoing and friendly person, not afraid to tell you what she thought of things. Which is quite the opposite of my grandma, her sister.

I miss you, Aunt Georgia! Can't wait to meet up with you and catch up!

I scanned some pictures into my computer for a Christmas present. Thought I would share a few of my favorites. I wish I had grabbed a few older pictures when I was home, oh well. Hopefully I can get some more on my computer here soon.

Me (6mo) and Melissa (2yrs) 1985

Ernie (from Sesame Street), Scary Dad Clown, and Tinkerbell 1988. Classic picture!

Summer 1995? Each summer we would take matchy family pictures on my grandparent's farm. This is our silly picture. Even then I wasn't good at the silly pictures.

Volleyball 2001. Always fun playing with my sister because I knew she had my back! This was my short hair phase.

I finished my lights this afternoon! Hooray! I stood on the top rung of the ladder, the one that says do not stand on or above this rung. Oh well, I'm still here. Now my house feels homey!!

Its 4:30pm, I have been awake for only 5 hours. Today I slept in until 11am. The second time I have slept in that late in possibly 10 years. The last time was by far later, 3pm at my cousin's house in a dark basement, no windows. Time is a funny thing when you have no light to tell the difference.

Speaking of light, I give you this. My Charlie Brown Christmas tree!!

It stands alone on a wall in our house, but it sets the mood for Christmas. It belongs to my roommate and for a few days it stood lonely with no lights, but I spruced it up. I also bought icicle lights for the outside. I LOVE icicle lights! They are fun, especially here when there is no chance of icicles. However, I am puzzled as how to hang them on my stucco siding house with part gutter and other metal siding, complete with no ladder! I am going to head up to the Home Depot and hope for some success. My neighbors have clips, I need to find them. I'll hopefully be able to post a picture of my house soon! I will be here by myself over the holidays, might as well enjoy, right?

Thanksgiving went well. Work was not bad at all, and I headed home afterwards. Friday morning we got up bright and early for some Black Friday shopping. I didn't have anything in particular that I wanted, but the experience is always fun!! Friday evening we went to the Kercher's and had another dinner, a Black Friday Feast!! We had a lot of fun eating, roasting marshmallows on the fire, watching Christmas movies, and putting up their Christmas tree. Just like a regular Thanksgiving weekend!!

Black Friday Feast family picture

Natalie has wanted to take John to Disney for a fun day trip after she got her job. We went yesterday. It was the 2nd time I had been there in 2 weeks. The last time John had been was when he was 5 years old. It was fun seeing it through the eyes of a young one. Here are a few of my favorites from the day!

Buzz Lightyear Ride

Fun sister picture

The exact middle of Disney World in Epcot

Thunder Mtn Railroad! John loved the fast rides!

We ended the night in Epcot

Fun, long day! We hope to go back soon!

Happy Thanksgiving! I will spend mine working! I guess someone has to be working, people don't stop being sick. It is a bummer knowing my family will be enjoying the Macy's parade, baking turkey and ham, making pies and cranberry sauce, all the while listening to Christmas music. It all sounds so good, although I know in reality it never is as good as you remember. I put high expectations, especially around the holidays. And they always seem to leave me with a less than satisfied feeling. Oh well. I think I work again on Sunday, if I have my dates right. Really a bummer, 2nd Sunday in a row, plus a holiday Sunday?? I want to be home!!

This week I went and saw my first movie all by myself! I saw Disney's A Christmas Carol in IMAX 3D theater. So, not only by myself but also my first 3D movie. I watched it with about thirty-five 6 year olds. I liked the movie, it was great animation and great music. Same old plot of course. But, it was scary!! I don't remember Mickey's Christmas Carol being so frightening! I would have been scared if I was a little kid. Maybe I was thinking it would be similar to The Polar Express.

Today I cleaned my house, and it was good!! My bathroom is fully scrubbed and bleached, all the carpets are vacuumed, and the kitchen counters wiped down and floor mopped! So good to have a clean house! Next to conquer will be my room, the endless abyss of chaos it is. I partially cleaned it after I spilled an entire cup of coffee all over the carpet. That included some books, CD's, and my camera. Don't know if my camera will work again. If not, Black Friday here I come!

Well, no more of my thoughts or deeds to blog about. I feel this blog is pretty boring sometimes. All I talk about is what I'm doing. Hm, oh well I guess! I will have to spice it up!

Disney Day!

Today I went to Disney with my parents for my Mom's birthday! It was a great day. The lines were good and the weather was so pleasant!! I lost my phone right at the beginning. It fell out of my pocket on Thunder Mtn. Oh well, its just a phone. I'll be phoneless until Tuesday and actually, it is freeing. I am not worrying about checking it, because there is nothing to check!

Ferry Ride over

Splash Mountain

Our Splash Mtn picture turned out funny. That's my dad covered in a poncho in the second row. My mom and I had a poncho to cover at certain times. I think its a funny picture!

Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you!

Another couponing excursion this evening. I saved $57.00 at Publix, spending only $31. Coupons and BOGOs! Good ones this week too. I stocked up on olive oil and nuts which will last me months and months!! Had a coupon for CVS, plus free $50 in gift cards for filling prescriptions. Stocked up on toothpaste, laundry detergent, and cereal, saving $35 and using my gift card. So, I spent no money there. I love coupons!! I have a whole shelf in my closet dedicated to my stock pile of coupon deals! I have hair dye, toothpaste, laundry detergent, medicine, shampoo, body wash, and toothbrushes for the next 6 months at least. Now, if I could start stockpiling my canned goods for that just in case.

Work is hard, CHALLENGING!! I leave every day feeling wiped out mentally, emotionally, physically. I feel inadequate most times, learning all the while. Friday was spent titrating drips every 5-10 minutes to get an adequate blood pressure, sedation, heart rate, and pain control. But, I was able to help with a new trach insertion and what my role would be. Thought for a moment there we were going to have to do CPR on the patient while riding in the elevator, then later on when the heart rate went from 50 to 180!! Wow, what a roller coaster day for this guy and me!!

The holiday season is fast approaching! Sadly I work Thanksgiving Day, so no parade or Thanksgiving feast with family. I will really miss that. Last year I was fortunate to get off work early and drive home in time for dinner. I also am working Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. New Year's is not such a big bummer for me, but Christmas is. Christmas is a big family holiday for my family. A lot of people don't understand how working around Christmas is that bad for me, but I am missing out on A LOT of family festivities. Christmas lasts about 10 days for us and I will miss everything this year. It saddens me to see my grandparents age and not know when our last celebration as a family will be our last celebration. I really am blessed with an awesome family, and I will miss this year's celebration!

This week I purchased The Polar Express 3D. I thought that it would be pretty neat to try it out. It was a huge fail!!! I can't figure it out and it is a blurry version of the real movie. Fortunately I also got the regular movie with it, and it was on sale so I did not spend a lot of money on it. Should have done my research!! I still love it!

Lots of time off this week, not sure what to do. My parents are coming this Saturday to go to Disney, so I'm looking forward to that!! It has been a long time since I have had one on one with my parents.

I went shopping today and did my first big couponing trip to Publix!! I took Kristi with me to help boost my confidence. I bought:

• Produce: 3 lb carrots, bananas, broccoli, bagged Spinach, and acorn squash
• 3 packages of pork loin chops
• 2 boxes of Graham crackers, 2 boxes of Special K
• Spaghetti and macaroni noodles
• 6 Yoplait yogurt cups
• 2 boxes of Ziploc bags
• 1lb of Newman's coffee
• Extra Strength Tylenol and Tylenol Multisymptom
• 1 carton of Egg Beaters

I spent $30.18, saving $48.17 with coupons and BOGOs. I love couponing! Thanks to Kelly, I am hooked! It is like a game, where you win by saving. How great is that?

I think I can do this. Yesterday went very well. It was a lot of work and I was pretty busy. I think I had maybe 30 minutes of downtime where I got to go and see a couple of procedures in different rooms. There are some pretty intense things that go on in ICU! I just need to keep my head above the water and be easy on myself in terms of getting used to the unit and the acuity of the patients. I think I will love working there. It may take me 3 months, 6 months, a year, or even 2, but I think I will love it. Another plus is the doctors do not seem to treat the nurses like junk as they did on my other floor. I have yet to meet all the docs tho.

I am off for the next 3 days! I love this schedule!! My goal for today is to get my room cleaned out and to go work out. The past month has been crazy schedule with class every day. I was too tired to go to the gym or try to do anything. Time to get back on the horse and back in the saddle!

Thanksgiving is in 3 weeks, can you believe it? Sadly, I am working on Thanksgiving so I will be enjoying my turkey in between patient care. I believe I have the next day off, so I hope to go home for some Black Friday bonding with the girls!!!

Observation Day

Yesterday was my full on observation day of the ICU. I followed the nurse, trying to understand why she was doing what, what she was doing, what was going on with the patient, what are we doing next. I was losing track of time, losing track of where we were. It is crazy business in there!! I went home last night and had to look up many a thing that had slipped my mind since nursing school. When did my brain go to mush? I know, if you don't use it, you lose it. And I have. What a challenging next 2 months this will be!! What a challenging next year and more! I get very disappointed when I am behind, slow, not up to par as I should. But on my first day, I know I will not have the assessment skills, interventional and critical thinking as my preceptor who has been there 1.5 years.

Lots of prayer, clinging to Jesus, and studying will help me through it! What am I thinking?

Halloween was fun! I was going to be Octo-Mom and it would've been a great costume, but I could only find 3 babies. How can you be Octo-Mom with 3 kids? So, that did not work out. I had already bought a witch wig, so I continued and was a witch. I went to a fun Halloween party and had reunion with old roommates!! I love these girls!!

I passed my last checkpoint for continuing through my CCNIP classes!! I had to do a hands on code today for ACLS and it went really well. I passed on my practice round, so I did not have to do the "real" test. So nice. I studied that junk all weekend. When I'm studying I get so discouraged that I won't get the material or that my friends are doing other things that are so much more appealing than studying. Afterwards: so worth it! I am not worrying about finding a new job because I am heading on.

I have started BSF again! On a whim, I decided I would go to the intro class last minute. I am so glad that I did! I love BSF, it gets me in the Word, I learn from the ladies, the lecture, and the questions. So good. The only thing I don't like is that it is so time oriented (which is good), there is little room to build relationships with the ladies in the class. There is room for it for monthly socials, but not the same as a small group Bible study. But, excellent, none the less!

"And now just as you trusted Christ to save you, trust Him, too, for each day's problems; live in vital union with Him." Colossians 2:6

My mom sent me that verse after my car problems. Along with the reassurance that this was not a surprise to God. I always forget that. Not a surprise, and He has His hand in it. From having car problems, to friends who drive me to work, to my house, and let me spend the night. Awesome friends. Last night my friend drove me to a walk in clinic when I was feeling poorly, skipping her own Bible Study plans. And then waited with me for my medicine for 45 minutes. Awesome.

I have recently discovered Fernando Ortega's CD: The Shadow of Your Wings: Hymns and Sacred Songs. My friend actually sings on a few songs on the album. My favorite is All Flesh is Like The Grass (1 Peter 1:24-25). It really is a beautiful song and I listen to it every day. Youtube it.

All flesh is like the grass, the grass withers and fades away.

The glory of man like a flower that shrivels in the sun and falls.

But the word of the Lord endures forever.

Things I am LOVING

Its time for that post. I don't think I've ever done one of these.

Pandora Radio: It is amazing! Just put in some music that you like, and it picks songs for you. So great! My favorite by far is Andrew Peterson radio, I love the music they pick!

My Macbook. I love it. I do not know how to do much with it in terms of the software. But I love it!! I like having more accessible music to play while I'm getting ready, or having it for background. I also love that you can do these:

Skype: I love Skype!!! It is so cool to talk to friends across the country, my family a few hours away. It is great to keep up with people!!

Friends: My car is in the shop this week. I am not loving that and I am not loving having to be soooo needy. I am loving how my friends are willing to pick me up on a moment's notice, drive me to their house to watch their kid (how inconvenient! I felt like I was a 14 year old again!), take me to work at 7:10 in the morning and pick me up afterwards. Offering rides to grocery, offering to pick me up to carve pumpkins (sadly didn't end up working out). I said to Kristi this morning as we were brushing our teeth, that I didn't know how much people loved me until I was in need. So profound for 7am!

I'm 2/3 of my way through the initial training program for work. Then I have my training on the floor. I am a little apprehensive! What if it isn't a good fit? What if I mess up terribly? I don't know. I am looking forward to it, but I am afraid they will expect a lot from me and I will fall short.

Here I am again. I am back in class this week for Critical Care Nurse Internship Program, or CCNIP. Why didn't I do this sooner? It is really good and getting me back into learning/thinking. I haven't used my brain in the past 6 months, getting stuck in a rut at work. That's when you know you need to move onto a different job. Thank goodness nurses can do that! I do complain and moan about being a nurse much of the time, but really, what else would I be doing? Could I see myself doing office work? Teaching? I thought about doing accounting or majoring in music at one time. I couldn't see myself doing that. Most of the time I wish I did not have to work, but it is good and it does give me something to do.

Bought a Macbook this week. I have taken the plunge. My only bone to pick is the incompatibility with some programs on a Mac vs. Windows. Really, I don't care either way which is better Mac or PC. I could care less. And the fact that my iPod was formatted originally on Windows means I have to reformat it on Mac and erase the contents of it back to factory settings. Lame, what is the point in that? Besides being able to use it. So, with computer work I am doing this week for class, I can't even do it on my computer because its incompatible. I have found that I can run Windows on my computer but I have to install about $200ish worth of software. Oh that I wish I had a bottomless pit of money.

So saddened this week to hear about a little girl from my hometown who was kidnapped and found murdered this week. What scares me more is that it happened a mile from my parents house. What is wrong with the world that people intentionally harm children....CHILDREN! What is wrong that people intentionally harm each other? I am not a proponent of crazy love and why can't we all just get along, but why can't we? Of course I know the answer. I can't even imagine what families all around the country/world go through in losing a child in such a manner. It would crush me.

Well, onto online learning. How I love computer work...

A few pictures from my trip to see Sarah! We went to an art museum and saw a gallery of American art from Yale University. We visited some shops in downtown Birmingham, including a very interesting antique shop. We carved pumpkins last night, I tried a new idea for my carving, it turned out pretty good! Today we hiked to see a water fall. Round trip was 5 miles and I am tuckered out!

I wish I was a Founding Father. With John Adams, my hero.

We hiked 2.5 miles to a waterfall, uphill most of the ways...

Success!!

This is my pumpkin! Tried to make him look scary, but he doesn't look very frightening.

Of Snuggies, Garters, and Coupons

I went home this weekend for a wedding. My older sister was in town, so all the family was together this weekend. It was good old fashioned Bear hang out time. We didn't do much in particular. My sister had her birthday in September, so I bought her Michael Buble's new CD and a Snuggie. I pulled the Snuggie out first as if that were her only gift, then gave her the CD. It was a hit, she wouldn't give up her Snuggie all weekend. I only got to wear it once. Who know a blanket with arms would be so popular!

I caught my very first bouquet at the wedding. After the garter toss, they had me come up to the dance floor. I thought, "Oh, they're going to take pictures of us together". No, the DJ then proceeded to tell the guy to put the garter on my leg, every inch is 5 years wedded bliss!! Well, I love the bride and groom, but no wedded bliss was going to happen for very long. I think it was more embarrassing being in the center of attention everyone watching, then the fact that a strange, yet very cute, young man was putting a garter on my leg. We were both good sports about it, but there was no way I was going to give a "show" or whatever people were yelling in the audience. Not my cup of coffee. My sisters have caught many a bouquet and so far, we are as single as ever. Here's for beginner's luck. I'm very optimistic about it, because look at what I had to go through for it!

I am now packing for a trip and figuring out what the weather will be like, how many jeans, shirts, sweatshirts, long shirts, ect, to take. I don't have a lot of cool weather clothes, but I think I can endure. I love cool weather and I'm looking forward to a break! We are camping tomorow and I hope that it is cool, low of 61. I think I can handle that for sleeping under the stars for a night. The weekend looks chilly, with 57 for high on Saturday!! Terrific!!! Then back to humidity central here and back to work.

By the way, like my background? My sister helped me and now I have better background then just messing with colors. And it goes with the season. I love Halloween, tho I never dress up for it. It is one of my favorites. It seems to be the beginning of my favorite time of year from Halloween to Christmas, best times happen then!! Or they seem like best times when I look back on them. I forget how they might be boring, or how much stock I put into them being great and then I'm let down.

I saved $40 in coupons and store savings today. I had a ton of coupons for Tylenol, Sudafed, mouthwash, Dove bodywash. Plus I bought some cereal that was BOGO because I had a coupon for buying 3 of them, so I bought 4 and got 2 free!! Up at the register they told me I could get a gallon of milk FREE with my cereal purchase, and I didn't even know it. So, along with that, a free gallon of milk thrown in. I love couponing, especially when I get great deals!! I need some couponing organization help, as they are scattered all over my floor. So, all in all, today I bought some needed items and only spent $35 on all of it. Now I don't have to buy shampoo, body wash, toothbrushes, mouthwash: those silly things that seem to all run out at the same time! I am good until at least after Christmas or so.

First Nursing Job...DONE

It seemed surreal leaving work today. Hugging all the nurses and saying goodbye. I will miss those girls. I have made friends with a few of them, which will continue after. I feel like I have been at that job forever, but I feel like I just started. And I did just start. My first nursing job. And it is done, in the bag. Now I'm going to be an ICU nurse. I was talking with my manager tonight and she was giving me ICU advise. She kept saying "When you're an ICU nurse..." Holy crap, I'm going to be an ICU nurse! It is setting in and freak out time is coming up. I had a panic attack yesterday. I'm sure there will be a lot of tears and stress induced ulcers. I wish I was smarter. I will be playing with so many machines, tubes, lines, drips, monitors, and ventilators. On top of that patho, drugs, patients, doctors, families. Wow, well, here I go.

Uh, think I found my Ob-gyn tonight. Before he operates on his patients, he sits and prays over them. Isn't that amazing? I was in the room and my mouth just dropped open. So cool. He prayed blessing over the surgery, for God to be there in the room. It was just cool. And it was so refreshing. So refreshing!! Especially when one is jaded. And I found a primary care doctor who does the same thing. She prays through each room for the patients coming through for the day. How awesome is that?

Week in Review

Ah, well time for the weekly update.

I have had issues with sleep this week. I slept maybe 4 hours of unrestful sleep Wednesday night of this past week and had to call out of work as a result. I have found myself sleep walking. I was a sleep walker as a child, and haven't really seen it resurface until recently. I find myself in various parts of the house during the night. Friday night I couldn't sleep for the life of me and tried a glass of wine before bed. Worked a little bit. That will not be a habit I continue.

Again received a quick lesson in self defense this weekend. Spent the night with Kelly on Saturday night. We were well armed with mace, taser, handgun, phones, sharp wit, and speedy feet. The dark is a scary thing to me. Why does evil seem to loom so much in the dark?

This is my last week of work. Can I get a hooray? Not that changing jobs will at all decrease my anxiety and stress at work, it will just be a different ballfield. I need a change of managers, environment. I will miss the nurses I work with so much. They are awesome and I feel comfortable and confident with them. Recently I have gotten to know some of them so much better and will keep some ties with them outside the job. I hope that goes over into my new job. Nervous about new people, environment, doctors, patients... I think maybe I'm not cut out for full time work, or full time stress is more like it. Can my plan B of having a family just work out and come along??

Meanwhile, I head off to a wedding this next weekend and then fly away to Birmingham for a few days with Sarah. I am looking forward to pumpkin carving, wine, botanical gardens, hiking, seeing fall colors, feeling cooler weather (I've been praying for awhile), laughing, crying, long talks, exploring the city, and celebrating a birthday!

I have a lake that is very near my house. There are a bunch of ducks that live at the pond. They are the brown kind, I guess Mallards maybe? Who knows. Among those 20 ducks or so, there is one big white one. He must be a cool duck, because all the other brown ducks want to be around him, but he just doesn't seem to fit in. It makes me laugh every time I see that guy because he really sticks out. I saw him this morning when I drove to the gym. And I thought, "Wow, I feel like that duck."

I'm at a weird place in life where I don't seem to fit in or mesh with the crowd. I feel like I am the odd duck out. I'm a single gal, not quite sure what to do with my life. I'm battling the weight of a full time job, friends moving away, loneliness, job transition. The whole time questioning: "God, what are you doing with me? Why do you take me through this? Why?" But, He is taking me through this. He doesn't just push me off the edge and say, "Hope you can keep your head above water". My sinful self wants to believe that has happened. Yet, God has always proved Himself faithful through great times in my life as well as hard times in my life. Even now I know He is walking me through this desolate time and He is walking me through with reason. I don't know what the reason is. I hope I know sometime in the future.

I've been told the things we run to and look for to be our "savior" will crumble and rot and not fill us up. All I wanted was to go to school to be a nurse. Nursing school was hard and I spent many an anxious night studying instead of hanging out with people. I look back on my college years with regrets. All I wanted was to just work. Now I drag my feet to go to work. Over the past few months it has frustrated me to a near mental breaking point. I couldn't wait until I could just do my own thing. I do my own thing, I am painfully aware of my introversion and loneliness I feel. I am also tired of not being in a relationship with a guy. Maybe that's why I am currently single. I would screw that up as well at the moment. Hm.

I thought I would have a better way to wrap up this post. I seem to be lacking the mental capacity to put any more of my words together. And all of this because of a duck.

Ahhh, Saturday morning. Where have you been all week?? I'm enjoying my cup of coffee, black and delicious. Sleeping in, lazing in my pj's. Perfect. Makes me forget about the junk of life going on during the week. I wish Saturday mornings lasted all week long. The only thing that would make this better? Being 20 degrees cooler with NO humidity and sitting outside to enjoy my coffee. I attempted that this morning, but I sweated too much for my own good. I guess that will have to wait a month or so.

Highlight of my week? New running shoes and new water bottle!! Wow...what a highlight! Shoes are light, I feel like I'm running on air. Water bottle: great! I'm uber eco friendly now that I've got an aluminium bottle. Whoah, I'm so green. The shoes were way over due, I kept bumping buying them from paycheck to paycheck because things would come up that were higher priority than shoes. I love new things.

Today I went to switch my drivers license address again. I just did it in May because I bought a car and registered it here, but have moved since. It only cost $5 last time for a new license. Today: $25!! State law says you have to get a new picture every time you get a license except in the capital or online. If I would have known that, I would have at least done my hair down and put make up on. So, my new picture: no makeup, hair pulled back in a ponytail, elastic headband to keep it from falling out. Plus sooo tired, so I look horrendous. I look like I'm a 15 year old getting her permit license. So if I get carded...watch out!

Work is going ok. I have 11 days left. 10 after today. I just have to get through each work day and notch it off!! It takes much prayer to walk through the doors of my unit every day. I like the people I work with, I don't mind much of the patients I work with (for the most part, excluding my 10 hour work day no break on Monday.....) I feel at the edge of a mental break down. I just need a mental break. This is all I want. Just a break. Please.

This morning I went running early with my little sister before church. We are running, running, still running. At our halfway point, I saw this ambulance that had a huge American Flag on it. So, I looked at it thinking, "Cool, an ambulance with our flag on it." Next thing I know I'm falling and I can't stop myself. All I could think was, "Hold your face up, don't hit your chin!" (I'm a 2 time chin splitter) So, we had to run all the way back. It was funny, actually.

Now I have a big red scabby knee, scraped up other knee, and my stigmata looking scrapes on my hands. I have not fallen like that since I was a child, and it was the weirdest sensation. Falling, you can't stop, scraping up your knees. We were a family of knee scrapers. Just bringing it back around full circle.

Enjoying being at home with family. I don't mind being alone, but nice to hear the noise of family in the background. I have been home every weekend for the past 4, for one reason or another. I will be here again in 3 weeks for another trip! Then they will cease when I start classes!!

Can you say, FREAKING OUT!?? I have so much to do over the next few weeks in preparation for ICU. I am doing homework again...feeling like I'm back in school. Reading, studying, doing online classwork. And stressing. Do I know enough? Am I smart enough? Will I remember enough from school to get me through training? I feel so inadequate. Nurses are a class of over achievers, well I would say 95% of the time. I am a semi over achiever, not on the extreme side. I freak out when I think of what other people have already finished and I am just starting. This is beginning to look and feel just like school.

I found out that I will not be able to get all of my vacation hours in that are required to take. I cannot take any vacation while in training, and the deadline to use them is in December. I am working on it, because I will lose the money. I thought I could have it all in the bag with 10 days off. I wish I had just taken 2 weeks off. I didn't take into account the fact I am getting paid 12 hours for an online class, plus 8 or more hours of pay for classes. I am working on getting days off here and there at work, possibly today. I am praying that I get off today. Quite a pickle I have put myself in. Part of me is wanting to just not get paid for classes, but I'd rather have a few extra days off of work instead. So, I have 4 weeks to take off 57 hours of work...that's 1 1/2 weeks, folks!!! I'm slated to work full time the next 3 weeks plus the extra. Pray that I can get off the time, or its wasted money I do not get. Just another stressor added to the fact of preparing to change jobs.

In Christ Alone

I love this song. At the past 2 memorial services I have attended we have sung this song. I think I want it sung at my wedding and my funeral. Since those services I am reminded of those individuals when I sing it and the hope I have in Christ. This world is so full of sin and burdens that I feel greatly more every day.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Its been awhile. The past few weeks have been 3 trips back home to see my family. The last trip was last minute to go to a funeral for a family friend who passed away. I drove home for an overnight and went back to work the next day. Big mistake. I was so tired and drained emotionally that I felt like a walking shell. Work was really tough that day, trying to be in the moment and take care of people, all the while my mind somewhere else entirely.

In the past several years my eyes have been opened up to the pain around me. I have known more people who have passed away than before. People without jobs, losing babies, living in dissappointment. Did it used to be like that the same way it is now? Or maybe I did not notice it. I loved my childhood and growing up years, but I feel I was given a false sense of what life should be versus what it really is. I don't know if that was set up for me, or if I set it up for myself.

In other good news, my sister found a job and has scheduled her nursing license exam! Hooray! I remember that day as being the worst day of my life thus far. How I passed my test, I know not. Congrats, Nat!

I recently saw 500 Days of Summer. It was a good movie, not the movie I was expecting, but good. I related to the guy in the movie, especially with expectations versus reality. My expectations are more commonly opposite or far from reality.
I enjoyed this sequence especially. How many times have I wanted to go out my door dancing down the street??

This Side of Heaven

I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid to my dear friend, Miranda. She joined her now husband, David, in marriage yesterday afternoon. I am so blessed to have Miranda's friendship and see how God has brought her and David together. Of course I had friends in college, but Miranda was one of the first girls to reach out and pursue friendship with me. And it is ironic because I did not like her at first, I was jealous of how easily she fit into the group of people I had been in, but still feeling out of place. We laugh about it now because we can.

One of my favorite moments of the weekend was our prayer before the wedding. The girls gathered around Miranda to bless the ceremony and the night. It was truly a sweet moment. Watching David's face as he said his vows to Miranda was also great. To be witness to their public commitment was so encouraging to my heart. The redemption theme throughout our lives in big and subtle ways brings me to my knees. Sweet reminders on this side of heaven giving glimpses of one day when the Bridegroom comes for His bride.

What a great weekend of celebration that came to a bittersweet ending. I didn't want the night to end because they are heading to Texas after their honeymoon. I am so happy for their new life together, a new job, direction. So hard to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends.

Tea Time for Bridal Party

Sweet friends having sweet last moments

Bridal beauty

Bestest there for me at all times

In efforts to be healthier, or more conscious of being healthier, I have purchased a pedometer. At work yesterday I took about 8,000 steps which equals roughly to 4miles. And that wasn't even a busy day. Nurses are on their feet all the time! The pedometer does make me walk more, just to see how many steps I can take each day.

Next weekend is Miranda's wedding and there is lots to do in readiness for it. Lingerie to buy, getting a haircut, buying shoes & jewelry, finding a 1920's outfit for bachorelette party, possible manicure because my nails are horrendous. We have the bachorelette party, bridal tea, rehearsal dinner, hair and makeup, and then the big event!! So excited for Miranda & David to finally be married and start their life together. However, this weekend coming brings an end to them living in the area and they move to Texas right after the honeymoon. I will not see them until a visit in the future, which saddens me a great deal. Change is good, but so hard.

This past weekend consisted of great fellowship with friends. Saturday morning was at the pool with old roomies & friends and onto the afternoon. Sunday I enjoyed seeing how big my little friend, Owen, has grown!! It was so great to see Ande & Kelly after their 2 months in Ireland and hear their stories about their experience. After a hair and makeup trial with Miranda, we both enjoyed seeing Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince. So good a second time around. I wish every weekend consisted of such things.

So, my sister's test came back good. No problem with a tumor, swelling, anything. So glad! I went through all possibilities; my imagination runs rampant sometimes. It is too active! It looks to be a mechanical issue with her eye muscle being weak. And that requires a surgery, but nothing like a brain surgery.

I am holding out for my job in October. It is what gets me through every day at work. I enjoy the job I have, I feel like I'm not making that much of a difference one way or the other. ICU freaks the living daylights out of me. Last week I had a "moment of weakness" or a freakout session about changing jobs. I had many of those as I was finishing school. They went along the lines of am I really cut out for nursing?? I want to change, but it scares the heck out of me most days. Summer is winding down, and ICU is the next thing to look forward to after Miranda's wedding in 2 weeks. Then life will be crazy for a little bit, but looking forward to the change.

I take things too personally. Last week I had a family member (of a patient) scream at me, yes scream (and I feared for my physical safety). Today I had another aggravated individual argue a little with me. I am such a people pleaser. Just like me! Needless to say it always shakes me up a little when that happens. I need to grow some thicker skin and fast too.

I freaking hate sin and the broken down-ness of the world. It seems like so much junk is going on lately. A family friend in serious condition in ICU after having a cardiac arrest from choking on food. Choking on food!! We do that every day, why now? Please pray for Pete as his condition seems to not look so good. He has a wife and 3 young kiddos too.
My sister having double vision and cranial nerve palsy to who knows what, maybe a tumor? Watching people lose loved ones slowly to ugly diseases like cancer. Sending a patient off into surgery, knowing they will not make it through, but giving them your bravest smile and hand sqeeze as you send them off. Desires not being met, falling short...among other things.

When did the sin of the world seem to weigh so heavily?

The sky looks sooo dark and I love it.
I have taken up to running again, today my knees rebelled against me and I only got a mile in.
I have become an HGTV girl. Not entirely my go to channel when I'm sitting at home and looking for something to watch. But, I do plant myself in front of it when running at the gym. Otherwise I'm watching the Communist News Network or ESPN, so I choose HGTV.
So excited for this week! Going home for a wedding, then going to Disney to celebrate with my sister for her birthday! Next week I only work TWO days before I go home again for Nat's graduation. It will be nice. Then only a few more weeks and Dave & Miranda get married!!

My Weekend

Saturday I went to the beach for 3 hours and FRIED my legs. They are a bright red or lobster pink, if you will. And to top it off, there are some funny looking white spots from who knows what. Maybe sand or a rogue drop of sunscreen. I do not usually do my legs with sunscreen, but maybe I will from here on out. Or bathe in a vat of screen before getting in the sun. I know the sun is bad, but it feels so good to at least not be white!! It was relaxing to be out at the ocean, it has been awhile since I lazed around on the shore. Now, a volleyball and a partner would have been an awesome addition.

Then was a Starbucks run with Lauren after we cleaned up. So good to sit and talk with her and act like we still lived together. Then we harrassed Kristi at her work, poor girl couldn't hang out with us.

Sunday I double dipped church. My church in the AM and another church at night downtown with Lauren. I taught Sunday School to 8 rowdy 4 and 5 year olds. They are cute, but I have little patience sometimes and don't feel like I'm a good crowd controller all the time. Now I have to find people for the next 2 weeks as I will be out of town.

And today, second week of my new shift which I am loving more and more. I also get extra time at night if there is an add on or such. Friday night I didn't get home until 11, which was fine. Otherwise I would've been on the couch watching the boob tube on a Friday night. So working wasn't half bad.

I was blogstalking and found these photos. I would love to have a wedding like this.

I was told my blog needed updating because my friend was bored at work. This post is for you, Miranda.

I am working my new shift 12-9 four days a week. It is amazing. I am a happier person by far when I do not have to wake up at 3:30 am!! I wake up at 6 or 7, then I go running or watch my Fox & Friends and drink coffee, then go to the gym. I can go to Target, Publix, whatever!! I can stay up past 8 and not count down the hours until I have to get up, lamenting all the while. It does make hanging out with people who work (Miranda) harder because I don't get off until 9.

I'm in the process of moving over the next few weeks. I took some boxes over yesterday. There is no way my stuff will all fit into my room, it is the smallest room I have had yet. But, it has blinds and it has a cable hookup, so I'm a happy camper! My shelves will have to go in the living room. I realized as I was going through my belongings that I have 34 Beanie Babies, why do I have so many? And why do I still have them? Could I throw them away, of course not! They were my childhood. My childhood is packed into 3 boxes which consist of old letters, scrapbook, pictures, books, stuffed animals, Beanie Babies, and my American Girl Doll. I don't think there is anything at my old house back home.

Well, must get on to some work. I'm ready for my dinner break...

Thursday was a terrible day at work. I was mad at the world and was not into working. I had one little old lady who was trying my patience. She was really so cute, but everything I asked her she was like, "What?" Did you take blood pressure medicine this morning? "I took a pill for my heart, nurse". Was it your blood pressure pill? "My heart pill." What is it for? "My heart." Ahhh!! It was like a hidden camera show and I needed to look for the camera. It went on like this for about an hour getting her ready. What procedure are you having done? "I can't tell you, nurse." So, I told her to point and that worked, but she didn't know what it was and there I was shouting her procedure to her, and its not something you would go shouting on the streets. The people in the rooms next to me must've been laughing. I would have been. All she said to me, "Yes, nurse. Yes, nurse." She kept calling me nurse, even tho I told her she could call me Allison. That job...you meet some crazy people.

Talking with my friend the other day I came upon the realization that altho my job can suck in more ways than one, I have to deal with crap (literally), work harder than I need to, I really wouldn't be doing anything else. Can you see me at a desk job? An office? I would shoot myself from boredom. Its a job that you can easily change venues as you need to be challenged or up for change. You can't do that with other jobs.

I go to work way early, I leave my house at 4:50am and there is never any traffic. It takes me 15 minutes in the morning and 30-40 with traffic in the afternoon. This morning I got on the interstate from the toll road and was stuck in traffic in a dead standstill for 15 minutes, at 5:00am! I was almost late for work. All for what? American Idol tryouts. Are you kidding? What the hey?? Maybe 1 person trying out today will make it on the show, out of the thousands who try out. Insane, get over it people. I liked the concept of the show several years ago, but never watched it. Now, its the same over and over, and the winners hardly ever are good. Except for Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, the others are hardly heard from.

Speaking of getting up early, I change my shift on Monday. Tomorrow is the last day I have to get up early!! I am so excited! No more 3:40 wake ups. I hate getting up that early. It is so great on my days off that I can sleep in until 6 am. Now I can sleep in every day!

Have you been to Aldi? I have been many times with my grandma growing up, but we never had them where I live. I found one a little ways from my house, but on the way home from work. Stopped by and paid only $25 for a whole bunch of produce, milk, yogurt, canned fruit. Good stuff, I will go there again next week on my way home. So cheap!

This morning I took communion at my church. I love communion. Coming to the table in remembrance of Christ. Something stirred in my heart today as we took the bread and drank the wine. Over the past few years I have become jaded. I have built a wall up around my heart only letting few in and even then not much. Within me is much loneliness, confusion, doubt, insecurity. My heart has become "dead", if you will, not finding any want for seeking Jesus or seeing His work in my life. It was simple, right there before me, and I cried as I partook of communion. I am the Pharisee of Luke 7, condemning and judgmental of the broken when in fact I am the broken.

I realized this morning how much I really need Jesus. I need Him so much every moment and every step of the way. I need Him so much! I have been so doubtful of God's goodness in my life. I have been in such a time of loneliness and feeling so empty. I have been reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges and have been wrestling with the fact that God is good, He is in control, and I can trust His hand in my life. Oh the Christian life, who said it was easy?

Last night I went to a fireworks show. It was sooo crowded and there were so many different people there!! I saw lots of teenagers and boy am I glad I am past that phase. I remember how cool I thought I was getting dressed up and cute and hanging with my friends. Ok, so I still love to look cute and be with friends, but I sure don't think I'm the "bomb". I know the world doesn't revolve around me. Also so people from along all socioeconomical pathways. Very interesting people watching going on. Nonetheless there were beautiful fireworks and nice music once you got out of the crowds. I hate crowds and I dislike people in crowds...yuck. Once we got in the fresh air, we were good!
More later.

Cankles are attractive

I started my day off by twisting my ankle at work yesterday.  I'm good like that.  Stupid Nike Shox...  Needless to say, I've been icing it and trying to rest it, good luck.  Didn't help that I had to walk around all day at work on it.  Now I can't run for a bit which is good and bad.  I have a lovely cankle on the left, I've always wanted that!

I have started reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. Makes for very good and real reading. It is pinpointing some questions I've been wrestling with over the past year.

In 2 weeks I will be starting a new shift at work, thank goodness! I am just about over the ridiculousness of waking up at 3:40 every morning. I will be working 12-9 probably for the remainder of my time until October. It will be a more normal schedule of going to bed later, waking up at a better time. I can't wait! Even more so I can't wait to go to my new job in October. Every morning I get up and go to work I think to myself, I am one day closer to leaving.

I went to a wedding for an old high school friend last night. It was an outside evening wedding, which was a little hot, but it was nice. There was a sit down dinner which was very good. I went with my parents and sat with some old school Pinewood people. It was a little different going to a wedding with my parents and hanging with them and not friends, but it was fun too.

I have started up running in the past few weeks. I ran with my dad this morning while my brother biked and I about died. We did go 5 miles along a pretty road on the river. Needless to say, I was overheated and tired and exhausted and unable to get ready for church in 20 minutes so I sit here and will leave for the next round of services in an hour.

I am watching my good old Fox & Friends while drinking my coffee. I love it. I have watched more coverage than I want of Michael Jackson's death. Its sad that Farah Fawcett's is not even being covered. It is disturbing to me how they memoralize this guy who led such a sad and weird life. I feel like although he might have done great things like donating money to different causes, changing music, ect... he wasn't a believer (I'm assuming by the way he lived his life), therefore all the things done in his lifetime are really nothing at all. Funny how that works. We strive to be known and be remembered but it really does nothing in eternity If its not for the kingdom it is for nothing at all.

Happy Birthday to meeeeee!  I'm 24, such a more mature age than 23.  Well, maybe not mature, maybe old.  It feels like I should know what to do with my life, but I don't.  I often think of what I used to want my life to be when I was at this time in my life: married to a handsome guy, maybe working maybe not, raising a kid soon, owning a golden retriever and 2 cats, living in a cute little house.  I mean, come on, I am so far away from that, and possibly will never get any of it.  Except for being married to the handsome guy, I could go for that one.  I used to play Barbies with my sisters and best friend, Sarah, and we would imagine our lives in so many creative little ways, none of which are playing out in my life right now.  When did the hard reality of being an adult set in?  Working?  Paying endless amounts of bills?  Living on my own?  Who knows.

Here are some fun pictures from the other night when we went out downtown:

Well, its official. I transfer to a new job in October to Multisystem ICU. Exciting, scary all at the same time. It will be crazy. It is time for a change, I am getting rather dull on the job here and getting a little stupid at the same time. My training starts October 19 for 2 weeks of class time or so, 14 weeks of clinical training.

I had a 4 day weekend with family for Hannah's graduation. It was great to sleep in every day and spend time just mucking around with everyone. I wish we all lived closer to be able to hang out, have dinner together, go shopping, go to the beach. It was a good weekend.

I love the rain, but not when I want a sunny day at the beach.  Yesterday, Sarah, Rachel, and I made a trip to the beach in a torrential downpour.  We knew it wouldn't be rainy at the beach, but it wasn't sunny either.  It was better than sitting at home on the couch.  It was great fun to be with friends talking, laughing, sharing with each other.  Afterwards I hosted a chicken fajita dinner with cappucino chocolate brownies!  It was so much fun having friends over!!

Sarah has been here for a day, it is been so good hanging out.  I work only 3 days this week before I go home for a 4 day weekend for sister's high school graduation.  Some aunts, cousins, and grandparents will be coming, which is fun.  Hardly anyone visits us, so its nice to have people come.  

To exercise or to sleep?  This is the question.  Instead I blog.  This week was full of hectic-ness at work.  I come home every night exhausted.  Not to mention I have started doing P90X at home to change up my workout routine.  Once I'm done with that I'm pretty much spent for the day.  I go to bed and do it all over again.  Only to come to the weekend to find myself with nothing of much to do and nobody to go to the beach with today.  Beach day is pending for tomorrow with a friend.

I have applied to a new position at work in ICU.  It scares the heck out of me to transition and apply for this position.  It really does.  Do I remember enough, am I smart enough?  Can I think on my feet and be practical in the clinical setting with high acuity patient care?  Will I be well supported?  But still exciting more is moving on and getting towards my goal of being a critical care nurse.  I will be set in my career because the possibilities are endless with critical care.  There is a great window of opportunity.

And so now I go to work out.  Budgeting is in the mix for the afternoon, as is a trip to Target.  Love that store!    

Chest Pain

I had my first patient with chest pain on Friday! For 4 hours he was hooked up to telemetry and O2 and I was keeping a panicked close eye on him while getting cardiologists and hospitalists in for consult. It was a stressful thing for me, but we ended up ok. He had a heart rate of 30...that is reeeeaaaallllly low for you non medical people. First they thought he had a heart block, meaning his heart was not electrically communicating entirely and ventricles and atria just pumping not in coordination. Then just a slow heart rate, then his EKG showed an infarct (meaning he had a heart attack/blood supply cut off from a portion of the heart). The entire time I was freaking out while documenting and coordinating getting him up to a monitored floor. I'm told I did all I could do, I just wanted to make sure it was correct. Hopefully the patient is ok.

I stayed overtime that day. Here's to getting in to ICU. Thats what is like up there, just more constant. It terrifies me at the same time it excites me. Can't wait!!

I have my new car!  I have new tires and had it aligned yesterday.  I got my new plate, tags, insurance.  I spent $1000 yesterday doing that....I almost cried, a couple of times.  My driver side window is now broken broken.  Or the motor is.  There is not much to do about it going back to the owners, I mean, what do you do?  It would be more time than its worth.  My dad is going to fix it, good dad!  I love that he knows cars.

Just frustrating to deal with little things here and there that add up and empty your bank account.  Welcome to being an adult.  I just want my mom to fix it for me.

New to me Car!

Last fall I made an offer to my parents to buy the car I am driving, a 1994 Corolla. I love my little car, it is old, it has its quirks, it shakes and makes funny noises. They turned me down. Boo. So, I set out to save my money and buy a car.

I found out about a car through a girl at work. I got information, found out the car was just the price I was willing to spend. Told the owner I would pay in cash, to hold it for me to look at this weekend. I looked at the car this morning and brought over a mechanically minded guy friend. He checked it out and said it was good except for the need for new tires. I am almost the owner of a 2000 Camry. I have never owned a car in the 2000's. I drove a 1987 Chevy Astro for 2 years in high school, a 1991 station wagon for a year, a 1992 Corolla another year, and a 1994 Corolla for the past 5 years. These were all family cars that were shuffled around from one kid to another. So, 2000, altho 9 years old, is entirely new for me!!

One big reason the owners held the car for me was I was willing to pay cash. Thanks, Dave Ramsey!! I look forward to getting the car and driving it. My first car!

It is as hot as you know what up here in my house. Our AC is broken in a way that it will only make cold air at night, and can't compete with the intense heat of the day. And its only April. Hopefully this will be over soon, but for now, we sweat it out or hang out downstairs. It has been great...I am an AC girl. All about it!! I like it cool in my house, must have it blowing in my face when I'm in my car. No windows, unless its a nice cool day. I have tomorrow off, so I will be hanging out in my hot house.

I would like to buy a bike, but a car is a necessary evil to buy first. I do not like the idea of dishing over a lot of money, but it will be a good investment. And if plan goes as scheduled, will be no loan to pay for it. Done with that mess. Went bike riding 2 times this week. Makes me feel like a little kid again! It was hot in the sun, and we know what that means. 234,030 new freckles are on my arms now.

Good weekend with my sister and 2 parties to attend. A fabulous birthday bash for one of my favorite one year olds, and a wedding shower for my favorite engaged friend!! Good times.