This morning I took communion at my church. I love communion. Coming to the table in remembrance of Christ. Something stirred in my heart today as we took the bread and drank the wine. Over the past few years I have become jaded. I have built a wall up around my heart only letting few in and even then not much. Within me is much loneliness, confusion, doubt, insecurity. My heart has become "dead", if you will, not finding any want for seeking Jesus or seeing His work in my life. It was simple, right there before me, and I cried as I partook of communion. I am the Pharisee of Luke 7, condemning and judgmental of the broken when in fact I am the broken.
I realized this morning how much I really need Jesus. I need Him so much every moment and every step of the way. I need Him so much! I have been so doubtful of God's goodness in my life. I have been in such a time of loneliness and feeling so empty. I have been reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges and have been wrestling with the fact that God is good, He is in control, and I can trust His hand in my life. Oh the Christian life, who said it was easy?
3 comments:
I know what you mean about being jaded. I think I have done the same thing you have, cause sometimes it's easier to shut people out than let them in and see all your crap and insecurities. I think I know where you are at in terms of not wanting to seek Jesus, and I hate it, and it sucks, and it's so hard to get out of it. We know the answer, yet we do almost everything in our power to avoid it. Why?
Oh, Allison. You are real and alive and I am right there with you, so mistrustful of God's goodness and control lately. Bread and wine, body and blood. So simple, as you put it, and yet so easily reduced to an empty shell instead of the feast of the Lamb, true, rich, life-giving. Thanks for this picture of Him seeking your heart. Love ya.
I understand just how you feel. I am a control freak and never liking change. I always want to know whats next in my life. I plan my life years in advance. I don't let God into my heart because of the unsuspected things he could place in my life. I think I will look for the book you are reading and see if it can help me trust in Jesus more :)
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