Anyone out there like me that feels like a fake, a fraud, a phony?  Such a disconnect between what I want other people to see and what is really in my heart.  Afraid to say something because of what might be thought or how I may be perceived.  Afraid to say I struggle with an eating disorder, cutting, and so many doubts about myself.  I consistently and constantly doubt and question the faith I was raised with. 

I will be the first to throw the stone. But then I will probably deny it.

 One of my first good friends with long lasting friendship from Orlando.  We were almost roommates her first year in Orlando, became random friends watching Real World the first time we hung out, lived together my first year as a career woman while we lived with 5 other girls, was my inspiration for moving downtown, and had an eventful trip to Washington DC her 6 months away. 

College days at RUF, not a college party, ignore the red cup

Chik-Fil-A cows to get our free meal

Night out!

Washington DC 2 years ago

Can't wait to see you, Alex, and hug your neck and experience India with you!!!  Although I was so bummed when everyone moved after college or left the country...I have been able to visit different places and can't wait for next month!!!

Half of the time we were put out on the pier because we ordered a la carte instead of buffet.  Well, we weren't entirely alone because we had a rat with us

Floating in the ocean, in my happy place

Motorcycle ride into town...scary and exhilarating all at the same time.  I kept thinking, if we crash, I will die here in Africa.  But that didn't happen

I thought this was hilarious to put on the bottle

Some of the fake shells I brought home with me

The kids mobbed me one day trying to braid my hair.  They would talk to me as if I understood

The little boy on the far left was my favorite

First goodbye at the resort

Second goodbye when my plane was delayed in Zanzibar

Last goodbye after we ran into each other in Nairobi

Finally back from Zanzibar, what a long trip there and back.  It was amazing, such a good time away from life for awhile.  I'm glad to be back in America, except that Pamela is in Africa still.  Such a sweet friend.  I have done things I never thought I would do like flying around the world by myself, swimming with wild dolphins, scuba diving in an awesome coral reef, and  a scary/exhilarating motorcycle ride.
Such a good time to be away.  I can't wait to plan my next big trip: India

Zanzibar

I have made it to Zanzibar, Tanzania!  On a last minute decision I purchased a ticket and met up with my BFFFF Pamela who live in Uganda.  Can you say beautiful???  The water is crystal clear, the shells look fake (I'm convinced they lay them out every night), and the accomodations quite nice (for Africa). Everyone is very friendly and chatty.  But most of all it is good to see Pamela!  We both keep saying it doesn't feel like real life.  I have never travelled internationally and this is quite an adventure.  From 9 hour flights, losing my bag, riding in a taxi in Nairobi, having a cancelled flight and catching 2 others in a crazy fashion...it has been crazy.  And frankly, I'm a little glad to get back to the states where I know the crazy. But here are a few pics from the last few days.

After we met up in the airport...it was hot and smelly and I was wearing the same clothes for the past 48 hrs.  But happy to finally meet Pamela! 

The reception area at the resort, a huge ass open hut with sattelite tv for the Olympics, a must have.

 First dip in the Indian Ocean

 While we were relaxing, the locals were working gathering algae in the mornings.  These kids were running around fighting over a bag and I grabbed a few shots.

Lots of colors 

This little girl was playing a game in the sand.  The children looked so sweet, I wanted to go play with them.

This post in from my new iPad!! A little birthday present to myself. I have not really used my computer since. My birthday was really good. I got back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks & felt really good. Then shopping & sitting at a coffee house reading. At night went to dinner with some awesome friends from church. Good dinner, good friends, good conversation. Although it is a constant thought in my head & a struggle to deal with an eating disorder, it has been freeing to finally feel that I can actually beat bulimia! I don't know what kind of switch went off, but I want nothing more of it. I feel empowered. Not to say it has been easy. I think every day I have disliked what I have seen in the mirror or how clothes fit or felt incredibly large. But the urge to want to binge has lessened, not to say it has gone away at all. It will be a process. I wish I were addicted to drugs or something I could just quit. But I am on my way to being free.

I turn 27 today.  I'm feeling very old and decrepit, I ran for the first time in 1.5 months.

This year I hope 27 kicks bulimia in the teeth and stands taller than depression.  I hope 27 becomes braver to show who I really am instead of keeping it inside. 

Just got back from a short trip to Ft Worth, Texas, to visit one of my best college buddies.  I was in Miranda and David's wedding 2 1/2 years ago and haven't seen them but one time since.  It was my first time to Texas, it was an adventure.  My expectation was desert with cactus, found some of that, but mostly brown grass with lots of concrete.  I loved hanging out and meeting their family of 1 dog, 4 chickens, and 4 ducks.  I also acquired an authentic pair of Texas cowboy boots.  So excited to wear them in Florida.  A few pictures will follow when uploaded.
Miss you, Dave and Miranda!!

A Hit

Sometimes all I want is a hit, like a junkie who needs a high.  Minus the needles/pipes/pills/ect, I am the same.  Food is my drug of choice and what I do with it is all I need to feel good.  Just a hit,  a binge, then a purge.  All will be ok in the world as long as I can get that high.  5 min later I feel like shit.  The cycle starts over.  All I need is one more hit.

I wish I had known what it was like to have an eating disorder before I had one.  I wish someone had talked to me frankly about the disastrous effects it would have on a person mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I wish I had known how it could destroy your life and leave you with nothing.  I wish someone had told me how it wasn't really about the food.  But I don't think you can really know unless you have been through it.  I don't know had I been warned if I would have gone down a different path.

I want my story to be known.  I want my daughters to know of their mother's struggle. I want my nieces to know as well.  I want the young girls, women, and even boys/men in my life to know.  I want to be an open book.  I don't want to hide behind the fake smiles and "together" life.  I want to share and openly struggle so I don't have to be alone.  Maybe even so someone else wouldn't have to be alone.

I wish people knew what it was like.  I know many understand because it is an addiction like anything else: drugs, porn, sex, alcohol, shopping.  One more time to get high.  But unlike drugs, porn, sex, alcohol ect.. food is always there.  It is always there, it will never go away.  You cannot quit it cold turkey.  When my day is overwhelming, I want to be numb and not feel, I'm bored, happy, sad (you name it), I go to food.  Or I go to exercise.  I have been both extremes of starvation to binging large amounts and immediately purging and doing it all over again.  I always knew what I was doing, but I didn't know why I was doing it.  I'm still working that out, but I'm getting there slowly.

My eating disorder is with me all the time, like a unwelcome houseguest who never leaves.  It mocks me.  It tells me either I'm strong for not eating something or terribly weak for giving in.  It tells me it will be my best friend, there when no one else is there.  It urges me to eat as much as I can until I can't stand it and hate myself and then remedy it by ramming my finger down my throat in a mix of frustration and euphoria.  5 min after, I'm ready to do it again.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about food.  What I will eat, how much, when, why, how much I could exercise to get it out, or to what degree I would use laxatives.  Every day I struggle.  I wish more people understood. 

What I do know is that I am loved.  I am known.   I am not alone.  I am not forgotten, though I may forget.  I am understood.  I do not always believe it, but I know this is a part of God's bigger plan for my life.  I'll forget it tomorrow as I always do.  This is why I don't want to hide, to be reminded of God's love for me in my struggle.  And the love from people around me.

Maybe this comes from being at the beach in bathing suits all week?  I don't know, but its been on my mind a lot lately to tell my struggle.  I am not very good at it, especially face to face, but I am working on it.  Its taken me 8 1/2 years.  Almost 1/3 or thereabouts of my life has been consumed with this.  I do not want it any more.

I love getting a lecture in the middle of the night about waking up on call on behalf of the patient. I'm sorry, you're on call?!? And I woke you up? My most sincere apologies. I thought you were on call to get paid to sleep. Must have mixed that up. I'll take the verbal beating for the better of my patient. Patients first, right?

"Each one of here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding."

Watched A River Runs Through It yesterday and this stood out to me. 

 I like it.

Texas: Here I Come!!

In a few weeks I will be venturing on my first trip out to Texas!!! I'm excited to see my old friends, David & Miranda, who I have not seen in 2 years. Time for a visit. Miranda was a dear friend during college and I had the privelage of seeing she and David grow in relationship and be in their wedding. Two better people to be together, I was never so excited to see a couple get married.

A few weeks ago I was able to spend 6 days in St Louis visiting my best friends: sister Melissa, and 20 year BFF Sarah. Melissa and I did a lot of NOTHING, laying around, watching a lot of Food Network and Mad Men. It was so nice to have someone to do nothing with, as I am usually doing nothing by myself. We saw plenty of family as well, nice and fun just to relax and see people. Sarah and I hung out, went to the Budweiser tour, walked in Forest Park, went on picnics, and visited a delicious Chocolate Bar!! Melissa and I joined Sarah and a few friends for a great concert by The Head and the Heart. It was...amazing.

Although this may be a morbid picture...its me and Grandma and Grandpa Bear on the mantle, one year later. We still have their ashes and are figuring out what to do with them as a family.

The Head and The Heart
In love...I want to marry the drummer, or the pianist, or the singer. I've always wanted to marry a band person, be on the road

Messing with the phone apps

Young Melissa and Allison
Old Melissa and Allison
We have turned out alright, despite our crazy circumstances and hurts. We are ok and in it together.

And finally, the free beer at the end of our tour. Unfortunately, this is one of the only pics I got with me and Sarah. But the some of the things together that I love in life: best friends and beer

I've been spending a lot of time with this little one

And these two as well

I love living with a family, the kids are some of the best therapy I could have. Good therapy for a lot of the shit that has gone on in the past few years. Most of my readers (as if I have "readers" hah), or I could say most of my friends know a little of my past history of pain and hurt. I have kept much secret and suffered a lot in silent shame and self destruction. I have swung between anorexia and bulimia for 8 years, mostly being on the bulimic side of things the majority of time. I have thought "I am the only one" and this has kept me silent for many years. I cannot say I am on the other side of an eating disorder, but I can say that I not longer am my eating disorder and I will not let it rule my life. There is too much at stake and it will kill me. I figure shedding light will chase out the secrets and lies. Darkness cannot live in light.

Goodbye, Facebook, maybe not forever. I am very tired of spending time trolling around the Facebook world, I have decided to give it up for an indefinite amount of time. Out of habit I still want to check my phone every 5 seconds. If people really need me, they'll have to get a hold of me like a real person used to back in the day. Call, text,write a letter, email, or drop on by my house. It let an insecure girl feel more secure and comfortable through the computer. The convenience of Facebook fostered a false sense of community that I am more than happy to get rid of. I like belonging, but not to a virtual community. Face to face, heart to heart, that's what I want more of these days.
I don't want to stalk and I don't want to be stalked. If you're going to stalk, do it the old fashioned way.

I can't believe its almost the middle of February. The time just flies by, especially when you're having so much fun (sarcastic tone inserted here).

Work makes my days go by, sometimes I don't know what day it is or if its night or morning. Last week was totally thrown off by a bizarre every other day. Which means I'm sleeping most every day. The last 3 weeks have been spent sleeping. I feel like a hermit, like a recluse. But sometimes that's how I like it to be. When life gets hard, I run and hide and want no one else to be near me. A bad coping mechanism because I tend to go to destructive tendencies. I have been challenged to seek friendships and develop relationships on a deeper level at an attempt to do something other than wallow in my muck. Here's to that goal! Not a hard goal, just a frustrating one as I have done this in the past and as soon as I stop pursuing them they forget about me. I suppose that is life and there are people who only disappoint.

I hope everyone's Valentine's Day was exciting (or not). I spent my whole entire afternoon passed out in bed for some reason. And this day is one in which my sisters and I like to label "Singles Awareness Day". Though I did feel loved and received a fun Starbucks card from my house family. This Valentine's Day I was really content with not having a boyfriend, receiving flowers, or going out to dinner. I was very fine with staying home and watching The Biggest Loser.

I have been able to go to 2 concerts in a row this month!! The Civil Wars with my sister (yeah, excited for their Grammy wins!) and The Avett Brothers last week. Both concerts were AMAZING. The Avetts was awesome because I was 8 rows back and in the midst of much dancing, jumping, shouting. All that comes with Avett concerts. Looking forward to a concert this Sunday and then one next month in St Louis.