It was so good to have Pamela here this weekend. I was able to meet one of her teammates for lunch at a delish southern restaurant. We spent an evening with the Johnson family. We went to church together, at Pei Wei and rediscovered the joys of reading fortune cookies (thanks, Ande & Kelly from last week's hilarity of fortunes). Sunday night was a small gathering of people to hear of Pamela's upcoming 2 years in Uganda, which is very very exciting. We braved the WalMart near my house for Christmas tree decorations, but unable to find a real one. Then ensued an early Monday morning hunt for a real tree from Lowe's. Visited with 2 of Pamela's Orlando families before she flew back home.

Here are a few pics from the weekend. We realized we didn't take any at all when we started taking them.

Matching sweaters...we both planned to wear them unknowingly to Sunday night's support dessert, but she won.

Thanks, Pammy, for fixing up my living room. We all know I wouldn't have done it myself! So cute and cozy and Christmasy. If only our fireplace were cleaned out, we could have some nice fires. I love sitting on my couch with some hot chocolate and a book, listening to Christmas music. So calming and enjoyable!!

I am thankful for my friend, someone to share in the struggle.

Next week is Christmas, and I can't even believe it. So far only my brother is the only one getting a gift because I bought his before the family stuff happened. Might not happen for anyone else. It will be a sad Christmas. My grandpa's service is Tuesday morning, which puts a damper on the entire Christmas week. My grandma is rehab recovering from her hip replacement and also battling against some pneumonia. I hate hospitals.

Weekend

My Grandma is having surgery today to repair her femur. She fell on Tuesday night and has been in the hospital since. Today is the day. I pray she is safe during surgery. For a frail 80-something year old mostly healthy lady, still its stressful on the body and anything can happen. The recovery is the hard part. But, Grandma is pretty hardy and she is pretty resilient. She just needs to let people help her. In 2 weeks I'll be there for 8 days, which I'm thankful for. The paycheck will not be good....but its gonna all come out in the wash and not really matter in the end. Things will be tight, but I don't have any debt to worry about, just the monthly bills.

For once I'm looking forward to the weekend. Weekend to me usually means 1 or 2 days of work. Or deciding which church to attend: the church I've been going to for 4 years but still feel like a visitor most days? Or actually visit a new church by myself. Not that I can blame anyone for feeling that way, its my own fault. Or going home and coming right back because I have to work the next day, so 4.5 hours are spent in transit, which gets old pretty fast.


Pamela comes tonight!! I'm so excited to see my BFF. Such a short time we were friends here in Orlando, but the 2 years since she left we've become much closer. Such a dear friend, so good for me, so good for my heart. Honest, accepting, blunt, loving, and opinionated...but thats how I love her.
This girl comes in 10 more days back home to Florida. Hopefully I'll see this chica soon back home or here to spend another friend weekend. Another equally honest, broken but restored girl. I need more in my life.

Grandpa was a goof, what can I say? Love this pic.

Its a weird feeling thinking about my Grandpa. I am so relieved I do not have to worry about him any more. I don't have to worry about his health, getting sick, doing ok or not living with Grandma in their house by themselves. I'm not worried and that is a relief. I don't have to see his health decline or wonder when will the last time be that I will see him.

The last time I saw him was in July. It always made me sad that we didn't live close to our grandparents, especially in the last few years related to their declining health. Always wondering, will this be the last time I see my Grandpa? I really thought it would be last Christmas. I'm so glad for the last time I saw him in July. There were moments of lucidity where we had some good conversations about the past and the present and what was going on. I am so thankful that to the end his mind was mostly intact.

I am thankful for the his love of Christ and his wisdom in living his life in a manner pleasing to God. Not perfect, of courses, never perfect. I am thankful for his work ethic and strong strong sense of where he came from. He was raised by a mother who had no more than a 5th grade education and a father who was the local general store businessman. He grew up a country boy in the hills of Missouri. I loved listening to his stories of growing up during the Depression.

I loved the relationship I had with my Grandpa. He genuinely loved each and every one of his grandchildren and there was a special special bond he shared with each one. He never ceased to tell me how proud he was of me or how much he loved me. He never ceased to praise me with each accomplishment, even in my failure. I remember when I didn't get into nursing school. I talked to him and Grandma about how hard it was the first years they were married and just barely getting by with jobs here and there and the failures that came before their successes.

I am thankful for family and friends at this time. I love my family. I can't wait to go up there together and celebrate Grandpa's life. I know I can call on them whenever I need. Many more tears to come together and alone. There is a sense of peace in sharing the grief with those who know exactly what you are going through. I can't wait to learn more about how my Grandpa impacted my family as well as those in his community.

I am thankful for friends who sit there and listen and don't try to tell me its ok, because its not. All I want is for people to be there, not to make it better or try to console me. Please, just be there. Thankful for friends who take you to lunch to love a broken heart with good conversation and presence of spirit to just let you be and talk and cry if you need it. And let you be alone when you need it.

Love you, Grandpa.

Grandpa

Christmas 2009: Last Christmas with Grandpa

We lost a great one last night. A GREAT one. My Grandpa passed away last evening after being hospitalized for a bit. I don't want to talk about the end.

I want to talk about and remember the guy who had the best corny one liners. The Grandpa who squeezed my hand too hard when we walked through a parking lot because he was afraid I would get hit by a car. The man who used to drop coins purposefully when we would take walks just to hear squeals of delight when we found a quarter or a dime. The man who worked hard through the Depression, went to France in WWII, wooed my Grandma through old fashioned snail mail from Europe, raised 3 sons who love the Lord who in turn married ladies who do, who raised families that do. He had a generous generous heart for those around him. I remember finding out he pushed to allow the first African American on the school board back in the 60's when most people looked down upon such things. I was floored. He was a smart guy. Had his Ph Ed and was a principal and then a dean of sorts at a college and taught education.

Times like this, I will never forget. Just sitting and being, always a pot of coffee close at hand. I drink it black like Grandpa.

My grandparents were married for over 60 years. For the life of me I can't remember if it was 62 or 63. He picked a good one, one of the sweetest ladies I know. She is so strong at this time, stronger than I could ever be. I love them both so so much.

This was taken at their 60th wedding celebration. You should've seen them when they got married. You wouldn't have met a more handsome couple!!

My heart is so saddened knowing he is no longer with us. I will never get a big embrace or a sloppy kiss again. He will never ask me if I live around here and ride a bicycle. I will never hear him call me his Sweetie from Tahiti (He had many of them, you see, but we all felt like we were his sweetie). He will not be at my wedding, he will not meet the man I will marry. He will never see my children. They will never know him and that saddens me a lot. As soon as I turned 18, Grandpa would talk to me about marriage and finding a husband, which led to a lot of jokes about him wanting us to get hitched. I know he did it only because he wanted me to be looked after, he wanted to know I would be taken care of by someone. He will not see me walk down the aisle.

I love you, PawPaw. So much. I miss you already. I hope you're living it up up there with Jesus. I picture your mansion right next to your parents and your brother and Aunt Georgia. I love you so much and can't wait until I see you again in heaven.

Today I ran my first half marathon!!! I ran with my friend, Milvia, from work. She is awesome and an awesome nurse. I love working with her, but she is leaving for better pastures in January. I've enjoyed getting to know her over the past months and so sad to see her leave, but hoping for friendship to continue.

I ran in 2:02. Grrrr...barely over 2 hours. My goal was under 2 hours, but that will be for next time!! Milvia and I ran for 9 miles, then I split off. She came in about half a mile behind me, 6 min after I did. I fell on mile 11 on the brick road. I called it too. Thank goodness for pants because there would have been blood. Now I have a great bruised knee with road rash. Awesome.


I cleaned my room today. I have lived in my house since August, but never really unpacked. Here's what is has looked like since I moved in. But this is the worst is has ever looked . I haven't unpacked from Washington DC trip and Thanksgiving last weekend.


And here's what it looks like now!!!!


Please pray for my Grandpa. His health has been on the decline as of late and he has been hospitalized for over a week now. I love this guy. He is my PawPaw Bear. My Grandma is so strong. Just keep them in your prayers.

My Thanksgiving weekend was quite uneventful. I had a great day at work, going from 5 to 2 patients most of the day. Fantastic. Stick your head in, pass meds, walk your patients, get to talk to them more. Great!! And still time to hang out at the nurse's station. Unlike the movies and tv shows...nurses do NOT hang out at the nurse's station!! At least this one doesn't.

Arrived at home home late Thursday night, went to bed for 2 hours, then back up for Black Friday shopping!! I was orginally going for a tv, but when we got to Target the line was waaaay long. My hopes of nabbing one was gone. Oh well. It was a crazy house! We were mulling along when I noticed an unattended shopping cart all alone in an aisle with my tv in it. I watched it for a few minutes, no one came back, so I took it. And now I have my new tv! Yay! After a fun yummy breakast with friends at Cracker Barrel, I crashed for a few hours. Spent the afternoon and evening with Sarah and her family after we visited my old RUF minister/now friend and his family. Good day!

Saw Harry Potter again, still good!! Still cried, yes, still cried. Its always good to cry, especially when I can't cry very much to begin with. I'm not a crier, but I wish I was.

Things in December that I'm looking forward to (DECEMBER??? What?)
-all weekends off (yay!)
-family trip to St Louis
-Pamela coming next weekend (and I'm not working, so happy!)
-Christmas
-Cold weather....

Of Football and Tears and Fears

Me and Sis at last week's victory

What's better than Jaguar football? Jaguar football live....2 weeks in a row. I love going to games and haven't been in a few years, why haven't I been going more often?? The games are awesome!! Had my first really tailgate experience, since I never tailgated in college. So much food, so much beer. Where is the girl who hated beer a year ago?

Me and Brenna at this week's victory!!!

Harry Potter...seriously people. This one is the best yet. The entire movie was great! I never was so terrified of all the scary parts (mostly involving a really big snake) and I hadn't laughed as much. And people, I haven't cried as much since Cedric Diggory died. Oh man, the ending was a tear jerker and I tried to muffle it because I knew others around me were dry eyed. I felt like the grown man I sat next to during the 2nd Star Wars movie....crying in Star Wars. Come on. But yes, I cried in Harry Potter. I'll be that girl.

Lately life has been and I am learning much of myself as of late. The girl I thought I was is not the girl that I really am. The girl I thought I would grow up to be is the girl I never will be. Dealing with the heart, dealing with issues is really, really tough. I keep waiting for "the" breakthrough, but no wall has broken. For several years I have avoided my heart, I have avoided my feelings, I have avoided the inevitable. Maybe I lived in a "what if" world, maybe I painted a picture of an unattainable life. Long ago I climbed inside of a box, a cage, and I have since stayed, my heart dying every second. I found myself alone and drowning, silently and slowly. I know I have not really believed in the Gospel of grace; portions, yes. I still don't believe in it. A couple months ago I had enough of this dead heart and broke down to a friend. One of the best things that has happened. I found that I'm not alone and much of the hurt I carry is very similar to those around me. I longed to be free of the bondage, longed to be free of the shackles and the burdens I carry with me. For too long I have dragged them along with me, they are my closest friends.

The feelings of depression, loneliness, struggles with sins: they are still there. I don't know if they will ever go away, dissapate, or give me a reprieve.

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Mumford and Sons...look them up!!

Highlights

I'm running a half marathon. In 3 weeks. I think I'm ready, but I just want to finish. Not going for stellar times, just get it done.

I have/had a rat in my house. A very big rat. He has been terrorizing me for the past 5 days and finally I have his remains to prove it. Or a picture at least. I put up good old fashioned rat traps in my kitchen and around my house. Success!! I was out of town and my roommate's awesome boyfriend took care of the mess.

Went to Andrew Peterson concert 1 week ago, a night spent with truth in song. Kelly was my date and we sat front row. I bought an Andy Gullahorn CD and have enjoyed many hours listening to new music. Also purchased The Wingfeather Saga for me and a set for my brother and had Andrew Peterson sign them. I'm thinking of moving up to the Nashville and getting in on the babysitting for Andy Gullahorn and his wife, Jill Phillips. I know they are looking. Then they can so conveniently introduce me to a young, up and coming, soulful artist. Its all planned.

Back to work, which I looked forward to, but then had a few rough days. It was good to have time off, tho my paycheck showed. My older sister was in town for a week and I have been back and forth 2 times. I also went to the Jaguar game today with my sisters and dad. What a game!!! The ending was amazing, so glad I went!

The last days: 6 & 7

One day we spent 4 hours or more at the Holocaust Museum. Very interesting, very intriguing. No pictures were taken, but the images are definately stuck in my mind. Especially pile of shoes from one of the prison camps. It was a somber morning.

Afterwards we went to the National Museum of Art to see the Norman Rockwell paintings. Again, none of them could be photographed, so we took random pictures instead. Like this one of Natalie and the whimsical girls.

John Adams and I....One of my favorite guys from the American Revolution.

In the afternoon we stopped one more time for some froyo. Yum!

Took some more random pictures at the Navy Memorial

Got to meet up with an old friend I played volleyball with in college. She and my older sister played 2 years high school club and all 4 years of college. Love this girl, one of a kind! Had a good dinner and went for drinks after.

We started our last day off eating breakfast at Eastern Market for the 2nd time. Not so busy and crowded, but just as good. Seriously, best pancakes I have ever ever had. We figured it must be the syrup. It formed a sugary crust on the top of the cakes...so good.

A nice guy was hitting on us, but offered to take our picture.

We decided to hit up the last few museums and buildings. We went to the Library of Congress, walked by the Supreme Court building, and the Capitol. It was so beautiful up there, I liked this picture of the fall leaves. We sat at Starbucks for a long time and went back to the hotel for an early night to pack everything up.

And this was our dinner. Last hurrah for the last night. No wonder I gained weight...Five Guys is amazing!!

Washington D.C. Day 5 (aka my favorite day)

Monday, Natalie and I took a day trip out to Mount Vernon, Virginia, to see George Washington's home. Wow, it was amazing!!! It was my favorite day, so thats why this post has the most pictures.

And what would it be without our start of the day pic?

The front of the mansion. I thought it would be much larger, at least from pictures I have seen. We couldn't take pictures inside for some reason.

Back porch view

Sister pic. Look at that view!! No wonder he wanted to step down from public life after the Revolutionary War and then after his presidency. Come on, who wouldn't want to wake up to that every morning??

The view is amazing...

After wards we ate at the Mt Vernon Inn Restaurant. It was so good!! The famous peanut squash soup was yummy. Good meal to end our day there. Although, our waitress probably thought we were crazy. Every time she came to our table we were laughing or doing something stupid. But...such is our life.

Metro pic. It took 30 minutes from city center to our stop, so we listened to music to pass the time. People on the Metro are so serious, not friendly. Well I should say people in DC are not friendly. Rarely someone will smile/talk/acknowledge you. Not a very nice city when it comes to the people. Except the last day we met two nice people who helped us find places we were looking for on our map.

At the end of the day we went to our Starbucks and then on to the Mall. We walked to the Washington Monument and World War II memorial fountain. Nice, cold evening. Many pictures ensued, but these are just a few of my favorite.

Of course, our tribute to our state of birth, Wyoming.

The flags around the Washington Monument were pretty cool. I love our flag!

Washington D.C. Day 4

Sunday was spent a little more lax than previous touring days. We didn't hit the Metro until close to noon and only saw Air and Space Museum. We met up with Rachel and walked around the Mall. Thus ensued many pics, some goofy, some not so goofy. Afterwards we met up with Alex and went to church. Nat and I ended it at Fudruckers. Seriously! They have awesome burgers!!

Some random statue at Air and Space

Yes we are cool tourists

Even the police man on a horse got in our pic

Kristi, your absence is felt even in DC. Here's where you would fit in!

Thus ensued the reflection pics

The Washington Monument is really tall, which makes one really slouchy when they look at it

Chinatown Pagoda

Yummy Milkshake, thus contributing to my weight gain while walking 10 miles a day...