What's better than Jaguar football? Jaguar football live....2 weeks in a row. I love going to games and haven't been in a few years, why haven't I been going more often?? The games are awesome!! Had my first really tailgate experience, since I never tailgated in college. So much food, so much beer. Where is the girl who hated beer a year ago?
Me and Brenna at this week's victory!!!Lately life has been and I am learning much of myself as of late. The girl I thought I was is not the girl that I really am. The girl I thought I would grow up to be is the girl I never will be. Dealing with the heart, dealing with issues is really, really tough. I keep waiting for "the" breakthrough, but no wall has broken. For several years I have avoided my heart, I have avoided my feelings, I have avoided the inevitable. Maybe I lived in a "what if" world, maybe I painted a picture of an unattainable life. Long ago I climbed inside of a box, a cage, and I have since stayed, my heart dying every second. I found myself alone and drowning, silently and slowly. I know I have not really believed in the Gospel of grace; portions, yes. I still don't believe in it. A couple months ago I had enough of this dead heart and broke down to a friend. One of the best things that has happened. I found that I'm not alone and much of the hurt I carry is very similar to those around me. I longed to be free of the bondage, longed to be free of the shackles and the burdens I carry with me. For too long I have dragged them along with me, they are my closest friends.
The feelings of depression, loneliness, struggles with sins: they are still there. I don't know if they will ever go away, dissapate, or give me a reprieve.
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
Mumford and Sons...look them up!!
4 comments:
your teal glasses are perfect for jag games! you look adorable!!
oh, your heart. i love it and you! I'll miss you tomorrow. you are welcome to come if you'd like, just let me know.
Allison, I love you so. I wish we lived in the same city and could hang out all the time. I'll have to settle with a visit to Orlando and one from you in Uganda! I am so happy that Jesus is teaching you so much. I am with you in that I wonder if I really get grace fully too. So thankful for you and your honesty.
For the record... it was me who sat next to the sniffling crying man in Star Wars!
Harry Potter: best one yet! We have to see it together this week!!
As for your heart, remember you are human and like you said, everybody goes through depression and loneliness. Sure, some more than others, but do not think you are alone in those struggles. Like you said, everybody has those struggles. It is the honesty that is missing, which makes us feel alone in them. You are a sinner, you are a human, and in this world I honestly don't believe you will attain freedom from these things in the sense that they will never be there. The difference comes when you can learn to turn from looking inwardly, being controlled by the dark, lonely thoughts, and look up to Jesus and know that in Him you have life abundantly-- even when you can't feel it. How do I know? Like you, I struggle with so many of the same things. The life of Christ-living is not one of simply feelings and emotions, but truth. (think Paul- beaten, imprisoned, tortured-- think he was constantly feeling the warm fuzzies of God's love? Probably not but he believed that NOTHING could separate us from it --including our depression) Cling to Christ, who is the Truth.
And know that you have a family who loves you through it all, including me!
I loved being with you this weekend. Love YOU so much, dear friend
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