Just got back from a quick whirlwind trip to see family up north. Sad that I missed most of Christmas with family, but enjoyed the time I was able to have off. It was just the right amount of time. Had a crazy trip back home which included almost missing a flight, running through 2 long terminals in Atlanta, and tripping and falling while running up an escalator. Got a nice bruise to show for it.

I've thought a lot about what I'd like to do for the year of 2012. One of the biggest things is going vegetarian/vegan. We shall see, it will be an adventure for sure. Oh that and using my Brazilian Butt Lift workout I bought for myself for Christmas. Here's to a new year!! Excited to have a fresh start.

Change Comes Slow

You could call me the world's worst blogger, I'll take that title.

On call for the second time this week, I don't mind. I have a quiet house, the Yule log is on the tv, and I'm listening to Christmas music. It gives me some unexpected time that I have not planned out to fill with tv, computer, people, sleeping, eating. A quiet moment to reflect to the past year.

So much has happened this year and in one sense it seems like it was just yesterday, but it also seems like an eternity ago. The past year and a half has been one of enormous difficulty: mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It has been one of immense loneliness, deep darkness, incredibly deep deep pain. The walls I built so meticulously around my heart came crashing down. It forced me to look at my life, my heart, my hate, fear, my addictions, my relationships, my faith. Shame was my name, I wore it on my chest and I lived it every day. At one point ready to renounce my God. I hated the life I had been given, the choices I had made, the pain that I carried. I had no reason to live.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
Isaiah 49: 14-16

At my darkest hours, this verse came true. I am not one for super spirituality as I feel I have been burned in that category....but.......

GOD HAS SAVED ME

• honest and sometimes intrusive (thank you!!) friends who came alongside and held up my arms when I couldn't any more
  
• a forgiving family with relationships that are slowly and surely healing
  
• the best living situation I could ever fall into, I love my roommate family!
  
• an amazing brother and sister, Ande & Kelly (previously only campus minister and wife), who invited me into their lives and their family; and their precious, precious boys I claim as my nephews and they claim me as their aunt.
• an incredible counselor who has patiently walked crawled dragged me through countless sessions and counting
  
• Wellbutrin and Celexa with a touch of Klonipin every now and then
  
• a new community in New City
  

Just a few of the main things that have brought me into this coming new year. Not to say I am fixed. I am far from it. I constantly battle all of the "lies" (I don't believe they are lies...they are truth to me) of my fears, addictions, relationships, life in general. Shame is still my name. However, this year I feel more alive.

Change comes slow. Sometimes you don't notice like twilight into darkness; like sunrise into day. -Jill Phillips from her new album "In This Hour" Its like a counseling session set to music, I HIGHLY recommend it.

So here to taking the fuel and pouring it on secret shame

Is it Fall already?? I can't believe September has come and is almost gone.

Work has held me captive for the last week. I have worked the past 6 out of 7 nights, with only a 1 day break between 4 and 2 nights. I'm not sure what day it is, or when I should be sleeping. My body is out of sync. And I have the darkest circles under my eyes. I haven't been able to exercise this week, which makes me feel more tired. After 13 hours on the floor, no one wants to go running or go to a gym class. I also haven't seen my housemates hardly at all for a week, or any of my other friends for that matter. I never work this much in a row and I don't plan on it, but I messed my schedule up for a wedding I'm in this weekend.

Its wedding week!!! Lauren, former roommate, childhood playmate, fellow Newsies lover, awesome Office quoter, creator of the triangle hair, Ricola shouter, green overall wearing, awesome Glo-Worm dancer, co-founder of Hairball Alley...well the list could go on and on. She's getting MARRIED!! Tomorrow begins the wedding palooza. And I still have to find shoes to go with my dress.

Maybe one day my posts will be updated with excitement, pictures, ect. I do have 2 trips planned in the next month: Virginia Beach to see Pamela, and Washington DC with my mom, brother, sister, and a friend. Looking forward to the cooler fall weather and seeing leaves change!

I am a terrible blogger, but oh well. No one is perfect or has it all together.

Excited for fall!!! Football season, pumpkins, cooler weather, no need for AC, maybe the leaves will change (but probably not). And I'm taking 2 trips to the east coast Virginia and DC area!!! Seeing my one of my best friends, Pamela, before she leaves for Africa. Looking forward to a 5 day trip up there. And then to Washington DC in October with my mom, bro, sister, and a friend. It will be epic. I will be able to see my friend, Rachel, who lives right outside DC. I really can't wait to go to Easter Market and eat some bluebuck pancakes. Can't wait.

And I am in a wedding at the end of September for a good childhood friend. Can't wait! It will be awesome!!!

Southland 2011

This past week I had the opportunity and pleasure of serving as the camp nurse for 460 middle school students at Southland Student Conference. I grew up going to this camp as a student from 7th grade to 12th, one year as security, and this is my second year as the nurse. I have also been able to go as the nurse for the weekend conference held in February. I really love this camp, it holds a special place in my heart. The weeks I spent were very enriching through music, the speakers, seminars, one on ones with my counselors, sports, blobbing, tubing, swimming, horseback riding, and getting to spend in depth time with old and new friends. There are so many memories that come back from various years. The themes, t-shirts, bands, speakers, fierce competition in sports. The year Pinewood became Piehood. The passion with which we disliked the big churches who dominated in sports and competitions. The inordinate amount of candy we would consume on a daily basis.

I enjoy seeing the kids go through the same experiences. My sister was the nurse with me this week. We served in a different capacity for these kids. And we were able to serve the counselors, pastors, and Southland staff. Some times I felt like I was there to put bandaids on scrapes, hand out ibuprofen for headaches, pepto bismol for upset stomachs. It was tiring, exhausting. We had a couple of kids who needed a place to sleep for a few hours when they didn't feel well. Two who spent the night with us with the stomach bug, which is no fun way to spend camp. But we tried to make it fun and memorable for them in a different way. I really enjoyed talking and getting to know a little bit about the girls who were with us. Sometimes we had cabin fever and were a little stressed at being in closed quarters for too long. We didn't have the freedom of getting out with the kids as much.

I see so much of me at that age in these kids. The insecurities, the similar passions, the friends, the awkwardness (but not realizing it at all), the intense desire to be loved and accepted by your counselors, youth leaders, and those you went to camp with. Especially with the girls, how much I relate to all of that. A lot of the struggles that come at that time, that are enhanced as you get older. My struggles, hurts, addictions, desires that have gone unmet have indeed shaped who I am as a person. Would I change them? I wish I hadn't gone through a lot of them, wish I still didn't struggle the way I do now. But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through them. Would it be different for better or worse, I can't answer that one. I wouldn't wish some of my issues on my worst enemies. But maybe one day, maybe not even until heaven, I will be able to see the why behind it all, the end of it. But hopefully I can see something in myself that maybe I can help someone else, be it that little insecure jr high girl or that seemingly confident young woman who appears to have it all together (you could just look up the two in the dictionary and you'd see me)

Calm before the storm....

Just about to head into work, but not before I can sit for a few minutes and enjoy a hot cup of black coffee. And soft boiled eggs on toast. That is the best dinner/breakfast, should I call it brenner, I can imagine.

If I was a foodie blog I'd take a pic and post it, but I'm not. You will just have to imagine.

Memories

Memories have a funny way of popping up on you at odd times. Sometimes I think of random things and I start laughing...usually at inappropriate times to laugh. This week at work I was preparing some meds for a little old lady I was taking care of. She was 90. I thought about my grandma who was 87 when she died. She never made it to 90. Then I remembered preparing my grandma's meds 2 nights before she died and helping her take them. I still remember vividly giving her her meds while she was dying, remembering how she looked, remembering how it felt to crawl up in bed beside her and just hold onto her a little bit longer. I always think of my grandparents when I take care of old people. Now I can't help but think of them and get tears in my eyes. At night they seem to be more lonely than during the day shift. It makes me want to take time and be patient with them, love on them a little bit more, talk to them and get to know them a little bit. There are so many interesting stories if you take the time to listen.

26, a time for firsts

I turned 26 yesterday. 26....sounds so old. Sounds like I should know whats going on in my life, but I have no idea.

Yesterday was the first birthday that I did not get a birthday call from my Grandma and Grandpa. First for the rest of my life.

Not that the weekend was all a bummer. My best friend came into town. We went to the beach, took a special trip to the Sugar Mill, went to 4 Rivers Smokehouse, went to the farmers market, and had a fun pool party at the Johnsons. I had a lot of people who came out for my birthday. It was quite a lovely weekend.

But amidst all that there was quite a big hole. Missing that sweet call from my grandparents who loved me like no one else.

This past week I spent a week at Panama City Beach. Ahhhh....the beach. It was great. I got to tag along with the Johnson family and be their helper for the week. I love love love the Johnsons. Their boys are so sweet, fun, and refreshing to be around. Not to mention quite tiring after a few hours, but I love them still. And I do love Ande and Kelly, two of the most real and honest people I have been privelaged to know. It was good to have no schedule but meals and naps. A lot of free hang time in between with different people. I saw my best friend, Sarah, and old roommate Fitz. How I miss those gals. Such sweet friends who love me when I'm the most unloveable.

And now back to work. Only four more days left before I switch over to night shift. I really am looking forward to it, although I hear your social life diminishes. I don't have much of one to begin with, but I think I will be much happier on nights. Less stress, less nonsense to deal with than day shift. An RUF wife who is a nurse had done nights before and said it was less nonsense....that is just the word for a lot of what we deal with: nonsense!!

It is so odd to have my grandparent's furniture. The kitchen table that I grew up eating breakfast and lunches as a little girl. It has a drawer underneath that we thought was extra special and we would always look for scraps of paper to doodle on. I especially love the orange set of chairs, very 60's themed, but very odd to sit in not in their house. And I got this cute love seat. So surreal last night as I sat at the table to write, sitting in their chair. Its just stuff, but hold so many memories.

Well, I'm off for a week at the beach with my favorite little boys. Lately blogging therapy has little effect on me, so I am giving this a rest for awhile. Most of what I put on here people already know, but it also gives a false sense of being known. And as I go forward, the last thing I need is a false sense of being known.

Shame, boatloads of shame

Day after day, more of the same

Blame, please lift it off

Please take it off, please make it stop
-Avett Bros

The all consuming power of shame. Welcome to my world of dodging, hiding, avoiding, running, ducking, covering, acting like everything's ok.
My world is crumbling, for better, some say.
But it hurts like hell.

Remembering

I returned to St Louis this weekend to go to my Grandma's memorial service. It was good, but surreal to be in the moment of remembering her. It hits me at funny times that my Grandma is not here any more with us. I was expecting my Grandpa to pass, but never expected Grandma to go so quickly. I miss her.

In the meanwhile I was able to gather some photos and make copies. Eventually I want to make a memory book for both of them. Here are just a few: Enjoy!!!

Grandpa age 2. Isn't he a cute little boy? Look at those knickers!!

Grandma in high school. Isn't she a stunner?? No wonder my Grandpa fell so hard for her!

Grandpa in WWII. He served in the Army in Italy and France

I love this photo. Grandma was so cute and classy, even in her fishing outfit.

Wedding day: June 6, 1946
64 years of committment

Another stunning photo. I love the way Grandpa is eyeing Grandma in this photo

Style

This is how I will remember both of them

We used to have picnics in the awesome screened in porch out back. I have so many good memories of good food and good company. This is from 1987 when I was just a tot of 2 years.

Great Grandpa Bonnell, Grandma's daddy dearest. Grandma and her sister (my dearest Aunt Georgia) faithfully for 21 years took him to one their houses each night for dinner. Afterwards when he went to the nursing home for his last years they visited him every day without fail.

One of the fondest memories I have is the walks we took with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandpa used to throw quarters on the ground in front of us so we would find them. It was so exciting.

Volleyball 2003, Grandma and Grandpa came to see me and Melissa play a tournament up in Illinois. They traveled several hours and stayed overnight. It was a special time and I'm so glad they took the time to see us play.

This is from summer 2008 after I graduated nursing school and started out on my own career. Grandma and Grandpa were so proud of me.

I love remembering my grandparents. Sometimes I wonder how I could be their granddaughter. How did that happen? I'm thankful it did!

New Housemates!

These are two of my new housemates! They are fun, full of energy, and really cute!

I think I'm gonna like living here.
And I got new glasses!! Yay new glasses!

Yay for concerts!!! The Avett Brothers was sooooo good!! But better was going with a great group of people. We ate at Columbia Restaurant....gooooood food, good sangria!

The Compound

I moved! For the 5th time in 5 years, but the 2nd time in 7 months. A bit ridic, yes, but very necessary. To a better situation for me mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I am living with a young family with 2 little kiddos, 5 and 19 months and one on the way. As well as with another roommate who is also a nurse: similar hours!! (yay!) A sudden move, because I wasn't planning on it until 2 weeks ago. The last 3 weeks have gone by in one big haze, its amazing I'm still with it.

I moved in record time: 2.5 hours from picking up the truck to dropping it off again. It helped that I never fully unpacked in the other house. I loved that little house, but it wasn't good to stay. Not a good situation. A loving friend helped me pack up and move, all the while her 18 month old son strapped to her back. Now if that isn't a friend...so thankful for her!

Thankful to be in a new situation, hopefully for a good year or more.

I also went to the Avett Brothers concert! It was SO good!! Pictures to come, when I steal them from Kelly & Ande. It was so great to go and get away and concert it up. I love me a good concert and I love me a good concert shirt!!! So, I got 2!

I love this picture. This was the morning after I spent the night with my Grandma just her and me. I keep going back to that night, going back to our last morning together. Going back to the beginning of the entire process that Thursday night. It haunts my memory. I just want go back to Wednesday, crawl up in her bed again and press pause. I miss my sweet Grandma. Selfishly I want her and my Grandpa back. But I want the younger, healthier them back from my memories of when I was younger. I am so thankful for their strong influence in my life.

A LOT has happened in the past 6 months. I have lost 2 grandparents. I have struggled for 3 years or more with depression and not understood why. I have been coming to a head with dealing with my issues the past 6 months when I started counseling in October. Struggling with my faith. But I think, with help, my head is slightly above the water. Slightly.

Grandma: The best ever

After a long hiatus, I have come and gone to see my family up north and back. Monday night I received word my dear Grandma was very very sick, not expected to make it through the night. She did. When she woke up she asked that we all come and gather near her for her last moments on earth.

I dropped everything and flew up late Tuesday night. There was no way I wasn't going to see my Grandma before she left this earth. My Grandpa passed away in December and it will always loom over me that I did not get to say a proper goodbye to him. It was so good to see her. Wednesday we moved her back to her ALF where she had planned on living for awhile until she was stronger.

Wednesday night I spent the night with her, just she and me. There is no way I would trade it for the world. I didn't get much sleep at all, but it was worth it. We shared breakfast together on her bed, side by side. I cried on her shoulder and she hugged me tight and comforted me. By the evening she was starting to slip some. But she held on for my sister and cousin, the last ones to arrive. We sang songs around her bed, read the Bible, told stories. I lay beside her, wanting to hug her forever, as long as I could.

It was a privilege to share the last moments with my Grandma. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. Its difficult to describe the weight of knowledge as a nurse and the heart involved by being first a granddaughter. It was difficult, it was sweet. Helping Grandma pass was not easy, not easy at all. The look in her eyes when she knew it was time. There were about 15 people gathered around her bed all night. Me and another cousin stayed up all night with Grandma while bodies lay scattered around the tiny room. I took a 30 minute nap.

At 10:12 AM on March 11, Grandma breathed her last and joined her love, Grandpa, up in heaven with Jesus. Never in my life would I have imagined we would lose two great people in such a short amount of time.

I will remember you forever, Grandma. You had the sweetest, kindest heart in the world. You loved well. You loved to serve others, it was your joy. You were the best wife, mother, grandmother. You always made me feel special, even to the end. I'll never forget how you stroked my face and told me how beautiful I was and you didn't say it because I was your granddaughter, you said it because you meant it. I am so thankful and blessed to have shared a life with you. .

I knew this day would come. It breaks my heart. I know she is with Jesus, I know it. But that doesn't take away from the deep ache and longing I have to see her one more time and hold her close.

I should be asleep, I have to work tomorrow. But of course when I need to be sleeping I'm wide awake. Sometimes for hours. Frustrating.

This has been an interesting week. I have had the joy of making new friends and meeting up with old ones. I hung out with 2 girls from the church I'm visiting. Last year I avoided people at all costs and was very scared at the thought of being able to get close to people. There was (and lets be real, still is) a lot of fear of getting to know people as well as letting them get to know me. I desperately want to be loved and accepted but hide away in fear of being rejected and hurt. And tonight I reconnected with an old friend, my best nursing school friend, Julie!!! So gooooooood to talk and catch up and be honest and hear one another. Love that girl so much!

Me and Julie freshly graduated 3 years ago (YIKES, 3 years ago?!?!)

Another couple of highlights (and some can be counted as low and high):
*it is good to cry (and one day hopefully not by myself but with others)
*honest talk is hard as hell, but is good for the soul
*random gym guy asking me if I would do a work out with him (think I'm gonna flake on that one)
*its ok to call out of work when you're mentally exhausted (even if you are scared)

(now I'm finishing this in the wee hours of the morn) Whats better than a Friday? A payday Friday! Here's to two days of work left this week and none til next Tuesday!

Two fist pumps for new friends and old ones!

Thought for the Day

There is freedom

in being known.

(Oh and to love on this little boy tonight)

Got back from weekend at camp. Nothing big happened, couple of sick kids, skinned knees, bruises. If I wasn't doing anything I was hanging out at the cabin with people, sleeping, or messing around on my computer. It was fun, I love being the camp nurse!!

Came home and took the best 4 hour nap ever! Holla!

Went to evening church. I am loving my new to me church. There are a lot of young people there who are very nice, open, inviting. I went to dinner with a group of people and randomly sat next to a girl who taught at my old home church. Turns out we know a bunch of the same people and grew up going to summer camps together. Oh the PCA circles are so small... This week I'm going to try out a small group, which is scary, but gotta go sometime and just jump in. I'm feeling braver as the days go by.

Work tomorrow...one day, I can do it!

Such a nice little view of my little street from my front porch. The sun shines in, not too much, shaded enough to keep it cool. I get a pleasant breeze. Ah so nice, my front little porch. I enjoy sitting out here in the early morning or evening/dusk time. With my computer, my thoughts, a cup of coffee, some music, an occasional cigar or two.

Today is a nice, lazy day off. I was pretty motivated when I woke up this morning and I cleaned my kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. Then I went to the gym and ran some errands. On top of all that I dyed my hair again. Got ready for this weekend going to jr high camp as the nurse...should be fun. Praying for minimal injuries and a good time for all. Getting ready for counseling now. So, productive day! The most I've done in awhile!

My grandma is sick again in ICU with pneumonia. Please keep her in your prayers. She's gone through a lot the past 2 months, losing her husband, breaking her hip, having surgery, recovery... Love that lady so much. She is much loved by her family and friends, our dear Grandma Bear. She is the sweetest lady I know, not deserving of this much suffering. Please pray for her, the dr's, the nurses taking care of her.

The Little Things

I just accomplished something for my day. I went out and bought a new headlight for my car and I changed it. Yes, its only a headlight to a car, and surprisingly, not difficult at all to put in.

Such a little, small, menial task. Yes

Its not the fact that I put the headlight in myself.

Its the fact I went out and did it.

3 weeks ago when it needed to be done I couldn't get myself out of bed, depressed and sad, not motivated to even go purchase a headlight for my car. I wouldn't get out of my bed at all except to go to work or see a friend, few and far between.

Its the little things, people, the little things. Thankful for the reminder.

And lets not remember that I drove around 3 weeks with one headlight...

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Today is the 18th (?) anniversary of when Sarah and I became best friends. We have been friends for 20 years, but we are uncertain the exact year we became best friends. So it could be 19, we just don't know. I think I have narrowed it down to 1993, but I am reviewing the evidence. I gave her a Little Mermaid valentine at an exchange we did at our homeschool group. We were buddies, but she was friends with me and my 2 sisters. I made a bold move and signed the valentine "your best friend, Allison". And so they say, the rest is history!

Sarah and I have had our ebbs and flows over the years, close at times, not as close other times. We played dress up, make believe, Barbies, ponies, Newsies, rollerblading, went to jr high and high school summer camps. I ended up following her to the same college for our last 2 years. I would say though the last year we have become much closer than we have ever been. Its been good to have a friend who knows your mess but still loves you for it. We have been able to be real with each other, which I love.

So, Happy Valentines Day Anniversary, Sarah! Like you said, so fun to have an anniversary friend date! :)

1 hour 25 minute Skype date with India this morning surely does brighten up a girl's day and lighten her heart a little. It was so good to talk with Alex!! She is a dear sister who loves me more than I deserve gives so much. Has it already been 2 weeks in India? Oh dear...maybe I will just have to jet to Chennai this summer.

Today I ran and my knee didn't hurt. Thank you, Jesus!! So nice to run out some stress and frustrations and not have my knee hinder me. I feel so much better. The whole way I acted like I was rocking out to my usual playlist: T.I., Akon, JT, Lil' Wayne, Rihanna, Usher, and throw in a little Justin Bieber. But I really was listening to the last 2 weeks podcast's from the church I have been visiting: City Church. Sermon topic: trials. Oh how fitting for my life, tho who knows what kind of fruitfulness and wisdom will come on the other end. And I don't know what it looks like to stand steadfast at the moment, especially when I see wave after wave after wave crashing at me. But I am semi-hopeful, and for what I'm unable to be hopeful for I cling to the hope others have for me.

The warm weather makes me want to go to the beach. In a few months that will be fitting. I can't wait!! I know the north is bracing against all the snow. I'm enjoying the warm sun on my front porch....ahhh so nice! I would lay out except the position of the sun makes it so I would need to be in the front yard and that ain't happening! Don't want to scare the neighbors! I'm going to try and read this afternoon. Lately I have been unable to concentrate, my mind going a mile a minute, but I'm trying to conquer a few books every month so I better get crackin'!

New show I'm obsessed with: Off the Map!! A medical show about young doctors at a clinic somewhere in South America. Don't really know if its realistic or not, but I like it. The main doctor is quite handsome...not bad on the eyes. Plus, Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights!!

Overtime pay: worth it!! Awesome paycheck this week! It goes towards savings and Uganda in December. Payed for more than my rent. Now to my Dave Ramsey planning....

Work day 2 of 4 done and finished. 2 more days, halfway there!! And they weren't bad days, here's hoping that the days at work are better than the days at home. At least the problems at work have better solutions to the problems than the personal demons I battle at home.

As for the personal demons, I see that my life is full of them. They fester and thrive in darkness, eating me up from the inside out. I've been told the lies don't live as well in the light. Reluctantly, slowly, begrudgingly with help they are coming on. As scared out of my mind that I am in dealing with old and new hurts...it sure is a hell of a lot easier when you're not alone. But it sure is hard regardless and a long process.

And that is all there is to report on the Allison front.

I love blogs. Lately I have been searching the blogging world and reading into the lives of people I have never met. I love especially to see blogs with lots of photos, young families, kids, pets, arts and crafts, recipes. I love seeing how people spent their Christmases and New Years, family vacations, family birthdays, or other special events in their lives. I love reading up on people in different parts of the country or the world, different walks of life. I have a few that I am a die hard reader of which I do not know at all:

Rockstar Diaries (who I met in DC...!!!!)

Molly Piper

Joy's Hope

Fly Through Our Window

Pleasant View Schoolhouse

Of course the posts are just glimpses, bits and pieces. What is seen seems to be perfect, all together, making up the entirety of day to day. What is not seen is the day to day of life, not always though. But, of course who wants to put the day to day hardships up for the world to see? Its how I do life on and off my blog. Keeping the mess to myself, appearing well kept and together, only letting few in on the torment and tumult that goes on in my heart. Keeping people as close as I can but still an arm's distance away.

Oh younger days...don't you just love the 80's? I regret I was a child for only half of them.

Classic tub pic...lenses out of glasses, what??

The best gingerbread houses ever. I remember loving my house, it lasted several weeks. Don't know how good it was by then. I love Melissa's bear sweatshirt, we had matching ones.

Sweet sister time...Oh little Allison, there is so much you didn't know.

I spent a couple of hours looking through pictures when I was younger, I can remember mostly what I felt like. I remember being mostly awkward, except when I was a little little girl 8 years and younger. I love old pictures.

Picture for the Day

10 years ago this week, my little brother joined us. Happy 10th birthday, bud, I love you. And Happy Birthday to my dad as well, but I won't say how old he is. :)
(Yes, my sweatshirt says "athelete" on it)

Last night I went to bed at 7pm, woke up at 5am. That's 10 hours of much needed sleep. Went into work only to see I wasn't on the schedule and I wasn't needed. Did I want to float, or did I want to go home. HOME! So, I walked out. That was the first time I have ever had the choice, so I took it. Will I regret it, maybe, when I get my paycheck, yes. I went to bed feeling not so great, rather depressed, woke up feeling about the same way. On days like that the last thing I want to do is work, even if it gives me something to do or takes my mind off things. The day tends to go south anyways.

Today I will take down all my Christmas decorations. Very sad. The tree has bugs anyways, and I need to get that thing outta here. I also am going to make a budget. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University helped me get rid of all of my debt the past 2 years. Yet, once that was out of the way, my budget kind of went to pieces and I haven't been doing very well at it. 2011 is the year of the budget. I really want to save all I can this year, that is one of my goal's going into the new year. I want to be financially secure, you never know what is gonna happen.

Among other goals I want to run a marathon this year. After completing my half marathon a month ago, I know I can do an entire one! I have a couple of races lined up already, a half marathon and 15K in March, maybe another half in April. But I haven't decided on the marathon. There are a few back home that look appealing to me that happen in October and November.

I look forward to 2011. I am praying for a year of healing. I began the process back in October, seeking guidance in counseling. This season of my life is so so difficult. It has been for several years. I don't understand the why's or reasons behind what we go through. Except there is hope, there is grace, there will be healing. I will always carry the scars as remembrance, but I won't always carry the burden.

Christmas has come and gone, once again. It always seems to be looming then hits fast and goes by so quickly. It was different having the distraction of going to my grandpa's memorial service. It still seems so odd to think that he is gone. Grandma was able to make it to the service, but didn't come home until Christmas Eve. It seemed like there was one distraction after another. Feels like Christmas didn't happen, except I still have a Christmas tree in my living room.


It snowed all day on Christmas Eve. Hannah and I decided to take a 3 mile walk in the falling snow. It turned out to be very very cold, windy, and wet. But, it was good for the memories I think.

By the night time we had about 3 inches and were able to play!! My sisters and brother had an impromptu snowball fight which was really fun. Then I built a snowman along with John. We named him Wall-E, because we both thought he resembled Wall-E from the movie.

We took a trip to the country for not even 2 days to celebrate Christmas with my Mom's family. There were about 60ish people in total. The laughter, food, reminiscing, ect made for a good trip. I got out before the sickness hit, but was sad to have a short stay on the farm. I had a really good time connecting with family I see once or twice a year. One day a group of cousins went spinning...we have some good stories as a result. I always look forward to visits with the family.

I had a very exciting New Year's. I worked the Eve, in bed by 8:30, worked the New Year day. 2010 was a hard year for me spiritually and emotionally, but I'm looking forward to 2011. A year ago I felt very desperate, empty, lonely. I came to a breaking point that took months and months to have courage do anything, though I'm still quite cowardly in the whole process. I am not sure what direction I'm going right now. I still feel the desperation, loneliness, emptiness except I have a little bit of hope to get to the other side and the freedom it will bring.