Change Comes Slow

You could call me the world's worst blogger, I'll take that title.

On call for the second time this week, I don't mind. I have a quiet house, the Yule log is on the tv, and I'm listening to Christmas music. It gives me some unexpected time that I have not planned out to fill with tv, computer, people, sleeping, eating. A quiet moment to reflect to the past year.

So much has happened this year and in one sense it seems like it was just yesterday, but it also seems like an eternity ago. The past year and a half has been one of enormous difficulty: mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It has been one of immense loneliness, deep darkness, incredibly deep deep pain. The walls I built so meticulously around my heart came crashing down. It forced me to look at my life, my heart, my hate, fear, my addictions, my relationships, my faith. Shame was my name, I wore it on my chest and I lived it every day. At one point ready to renounce my God. I hated the life I had been given, the choices I had made, the pain that I carried. I had no reason to live.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
Isaiah 49: 14-16

At my darkest hours, this verse came true. I am not one for super spirituality as I feel I have been burned in that category....but.......

GOD HAS SAVED ME

• honest and sometimes intrusive (thank you!!) friends who came alongside and held up my arms when I couldn't any more
  
• a forgiving family with relationships that are slowly and surely healing
  
• the best living situation I could ever fall into, I love my roommate family!
  
• an amazing brother and sister, Ande & Kelly (previously only campus minister and wife), who invited me into their lives and their family; and their precious, precious boys I claim as my nephews and they claim me as their aunt.
• an incredible counselor who has patiently walked crawled dragged me through countless sessions and counting
  
• Wellbutrin and Celexa with a touch of Klonipin every now and then
  
• a new community in New City
  

Just a few of the main things that have brought me into this coming new year. Not to say I am fixed. I am far from it. I constantly battle all of the "lies" (I don't believe they are lies...they are truth to me) of my fears, addictions, relationships, life in general. Shame is still my name. However, this year I feel more alive.

Change comes slow. Sometimes you don't notice like twilight into darkness; like sunrise into day. -Jill Phillips from her new album "In This Hour" Its like a counseling session set to music, I HIGHLY recommend it.

So here to taking the fuel and pouring it on secret shame