I wish I could cut my own hair. Or, I wish someone who knew how to cut hair and would do it for free or really cheap. Been thinking of sporting a short 'do again. I wish my hair wasn't always so straight and blah. I wish I could do the short short pixie cut, but I'm afraid people will think I'm a lesbian. And I'm not.

In a few months I will be 25. 25!! Halfway to 50!!! I'm thinking it will be a quiet birthday this year.

I've read a few books in the past couple of weeks. One of them being "Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness" by Andrew Peterson. It was a good read, easy. Mix of Chronicles of Narnia meets a very tame Lord of the Rings. Andrew Peterson is a great singer/songwriter and now author. I loved the adventure and the fantasy aspect of it. I love fantasy.

The second book is "My Life in France" by Julia Child. It was a great memoir of her life in France and the beginning of her passion for cooking. I love that she got married when she was older and found her calling later in life. A very good read.

Watching 19 Kids and Counting special on tv. I love this show!! It makes me want to have my passel of kids. I have always wanted a bunch of kids, would love to have at least 6, but we'll see. Gotta get some other things situated first.

My blog is so boring! All talk, no pictures!!!

So, on a whim I decided to take some pics. Here's what happened:

Looking smart in some specs. Notice the lacy granny curtains in the back?

My I have a job face of excitement! Employment! Hooray!

Maaaan, I have a job! Now I have to work!!

I have a job! And I think this is my favorite font. I didn't know you could change the font...

Dressed smart in my suit and pulled my hair back in a cute little pony tail. According to my sister, that is more professional. I was dressed way more profesh than the nurse manager who interviewed me. I think that pulled some of the job, looking like I cared.

Spent 2 hours reading a blog about a young mother who is recovering from severe burns all over her body from a plane crash. She's been on the Today show, Oprah and such. I love her blog. All about mothering and the things I want to be doing. 4 cute kids and handsome husband. Anyways, thats what I did after my interview. I was nervous, didn't eat any lunch. Dinner is in the making and I am so hungry!!

Interviewing today at 1 PM. I'm wearing my new suit, trying out professionalism look for once, parting my hair on the opposite side of my head, wearing my power red heels, and exuding confidence that I know I have. Interviews: daunting. But really, isn't it just a chance to talk and tell them about yourself and what you've done? Why can't I see it as just a conversation. The time I've interviewed well, I didn't really know I was being interviewed. Thats how they should always do it.

So, pray for me folks!

Happy Blog Award

Whoah, my first blog award bestowed on me by Megan! I want to thank my parents for getting me Mavis Beacon so I could learn to type. Also my sister who is a fellow blogger for reading my blog. And to the people who comment, because it makes me want to write another post!

So here are ten things that make me happy:

1. My family: blessed with two parents who are still in love after 30 years of marriage, 3 sisters who are my BFF's who have my back, and one awesome brother who is my bud!

2. Reading: I have been turned off to reading over the past 6 years, mostly due to college. Just now I am getting back into reading. There is nothing like a good book!!

3. Friends: I have a small handful of friends who I have been friends with for many a year. And I have a few who are newer, smarter, and far better looking than I. And they still want to be my friend in spite of it!

4. A strong cup of black coffee, preferably Starbucks. Seriously, folks, what is better than that??

5. Except a slow morning drinking coffee and watching Fox and Friends.

6. Owen Johnson: this kid makes me happy!! He is insanely cute and one of the most loveable and smartest little tots I know! I love my Tuesday nights with him! Um, and of course his parents make me happy too. They are some of the best peeps I know!

7. Disney World: I love Disney!!! Where in the world can you sing and dance down the streets without getting laughed at?

8. iTunes: I am addicted. I love having different music (didn't have a computer for 2.5 years so I had the same music on my ipod for sooo long). Apple is amazing.

9. Target: I love Target!! I make a trip at least once or twice a week, not because I need anything, but because I love browsing the aisle and being in the Targety atmosphere.

10. Coupons: They save you money, they are great. 'Nuff said.

I bestow the award upon: Natalie, Lindsey, Ashley, Fitz, and Miranda.

Update: Oh, now you have to post 10 things that make you happy. It feels like one of those forwards you send through Facebook or email. Take it or leave it!

This morning I head back to my old job. I am thankful that I will be doing something with my time and making money. All this free time is not good for a person! It leads to a lot of nothingness. Not too excited about going back and telling people, heyyyy, didn't do so well in ICU. I'm back!

So far I have applied to many a job, about 20 or so to be exact. Most of them in Jacksonville and St. Louis. I would love to get a job back up in Jacksonville. I am a little bit ready to leave Orlando. Not so much into this city. Although I have friends I would miss, most of my friends have left after school finished. I am not so attached to the area here either.

I am so discouraged. I cried this morning after a roach (ewwwww) got away from me in my house. I couldn't even kill a roach!! I sat on my bed and cried and cried. I can't get a job. I can't even pass a decent interview. Where is the life I imagined myself to have?

Sorry all posts are whoah is me as of late. Nothing much else to talk about that is significant at the moment.

Building Frustration

I have spent the last 6 hours of my life or so applying to different nursing jobs, some local, some not! I have decided to venture too towards the OR. I have wanted to do OR nursing in the past, but hesitated after being told to become a "real" nurse first. (Hope I don't offend anyone out there!) Well, my first job was around surgery. Second job, kind of a bomb, didn't fit right, didn't feel like I was in my element. So, I think to myself, why did I not pursue OR nursing?? Because someone told me to try something different first. Hence, I didn't do what I wanted to do originally. So, here goes to applying to OR jobs. I applied to 3 different ones that didn't specify experience required, which makes me think that maybe just maybe they are willing to train?

I don't know. The more the length of my unemployment continues, added onto the fact that my previously agreed nursing education people would contact me and help me out are in fact NOT doing that, makes me doubt my whole nursing experience. Do I really want to continue on this career path? Or start doing something different. But, what would that different be? Seems more sensible to me do something I could get a job in, but having been burned a little bit, I am gun-shy. As well I have taken a blow to my self confidence and job performance.

Then there is the whole, do I trust God to lead me through this? I pray for a clear cut career path. Just open or close a door completely so I can see where to go, what to do. This all comes at a time when I am at the lowest of lows in my spiritual life. I feel like a child of Israel wandering in the desert.

I picked up the Bible for the first time in several weeks/months. Here's what I opened up to:

He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Job 1:10

Wow, what a dagger to my heart, because I so do not want to believe that verse.

I had an interview on Wednesday, but I have not heard from them. It did not go too well, not terrible, but I hate interviews. Lets just put that one behind me. So far, nothing else has come up in terms of work. I am at home with my family. Otherwise, I would just be moping around by myself in Orlando.

My sister and I were able to go to Disney again on Tuesday. It was so much fun. We love Disney! We went to Animal Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios. I liked Animal Kingdom a little more than last time. It could become a favorite. It has been the first time in a long time that we have not visited Magic Kingdom on the trip.

I am not sure where to go from here or what to do if nothing comes up. I have played with ideas of working in Jacksonville, moving to St. Louis, going to Dallas. Even trying to go for what I wanted to do when I was younger which is be a flight attendant. Where did that one go? For now I am trying to trust God. I feel like I did when I didn't get into nursing school. Very destitute, depressed, worried, aimless, directionless.

With some amount of relief, mixed with disappointment and failure, I write this post. Today I had a meeting with my nurse manager, unit educator, CCNIP coordinator, my preceptor, and another educator. When I saw how many people were in on this meeting I knew something was up. I was expecting it. I am being moved to a different unit for 6 months to a year. Then I can come back to ICU. Overall, I think this will be very good for me for growth and learning as a nurse. It is a relief to know that I will not have to come in and struggle so much. Still I feel like a failure. I appreciate that the nurse manager told me I could come back and they would have a place for me.

So after working for 2 hours, I find out I can no longer work there and have to go home. That sucked. I cried a little, not in front of the managers at the meeting, but right before I went home. I was a little irked why they would have the meeting right then, but would it have been better at the end of the day? I don't know.

For now I am not sure where I will be working. A PCU or progressive care unit, which is a step down from ICU. I am told there have been 3 nurses who went and came back and were very successful afterwards. Hopefully I will be placed and start next week. Its frustrating that I have to adjust to new nurses, new staff, new doctors, new unit. I was just feeling like I was getting the unit and the nurses there.

I sort of feel like I got the axe. But I am glad for a "redeeming" opportunity.

But, here's to going to Disney with my sister tomorrow! Hooray! I am looking forward to that!

I had my first patient die today. It was very sad. I cried with the family. We worked very hard on this patient, but there was nothing more we could do. I feel good saying that. I did everything I possibly could do with no regret. I feel good about my day today, even thought it was hard. It wasn't like the last time I got a very unstable patient and I freaked out. As conflicting as it may sound, it was a very good experience over all and I learned a lot from it. I learned a greater understanding of sepsis and its patho and the manifestations of it.

The weather is feeling sooo good, people!! I love this cold weather. Yesterday it sleeted and it was a nice change. Its cold, yes, but come on!! Its so much better than 90 with 100% humidity with sweat dripping down my face every time I walk outside! I am a little over the complainers. This morning my car door was partially frozen shut and I broke my car handle. Of course it was so unexpected that my car would do that. Toyotas are so well known for the quality of their door handles!!

I went and saw Avatar in 3D last night. I was bored on a Friday night and on a whim decided to go see what the hype was all about. It was a pretty good movie. Not anything epic like Lord of the Rings, and it didn't do anything for me like Harry Potter. It was a bigger than life movie and I heard that it cost $200 million to make?? Wow. The big underlying message was so environmentally and anti-war driven. If you get past that it is pretty entertaining for almost 3 hours.

It is sleeting outside! It was supposed to have snow flurries this morning, but it is past freezing now, so I suppose we will not have them today. I am totally enjoying this cold weather. It feels so good to not walk outside and instantly start sweating. It is so refreshing!

I apologize for the woe is me posts as of recently. I have been battling some demons as of late and feel pressed in at all sides. I felt like the whole church service I went to yesterday was geared for me in so many ways. The worship, message, having communion. Wow. Its like the church leaders got together and planned it around me. Ok, not really. But, it hit me in so many ways! So good to go to church, even tho the feelings of loneliness and not belonging are still present. I have not been to church on a regular basis for 3 months or so.

Work today: Excellent!! And not just excellent, but excellent as if I had drank Liquid Luck, or Felix Felicus. The morning started of C-R-A-Z-Y!! I thought I might have a stroke. After the first 3 hours, we calmed down and everything just went. I was finished with mostly everything by 5:00pm, just tying up loose ends for the last 2 hours, getting my thoughts together and what I needed to pass on in report. I placed a Dobhoff tube correctly (whoo hoo!!), assisted in a bedside percutaneous trach (woot!!) all on my own. It was great, I felt like I was understanding and knowing what was going on. It is good to know what is going on. Information is power. Especially in helping me understand the big picture of whats happening and what is the worst thing that could possibly happen to my patient today? Good questions to ask oneself!

Looking forward to a warm bed tonight. So enjoying going to sleep tonight. One more day tomorrow, then a day off, then Thursday. Then I have at least 2 days off! Not sure of schedule next week as I got an extra extension for my orientation this week. This should've been my first week on my own, but so thankful for another week!!

Psalm 20:1-4

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.

May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.