Half of the time we were put out on the pier because we ordered a la carte instead of buffet.  Well, we weren't entirely alone because we had a rat with us

Floating in the ocean, in my happy place

Motorcycle ride into town...scary and exhilarating all at the same time.  I kept thinking, if we crash, I will die here in Africa.  But that didn't happen

I thought this was hilarious to put on the bottle

Some of the fake shells I brought home with me

The kids mobbed me one day trying to braid my hair.  They would talk to me as if I understood

The little boy on the far left was my favorite

First goodbye at the resort

Second goodbye when my plane was delayed in Zanzibar

Last goodbye after we ran into each other in Nairobi

Finally back from Zanzibar, what a long trip there and back.  It was amazing, such a good time away from life for awhile.  I'm glad to be back in America, except that Pamela is in Africa still.  Such a sweet friend.  I have done things I never thought I would do like flying around the world by myself, swimming with wild dolphins, scuba diving in an awesome coral reef, and  a scary/exhilarating motorcycle ride.
Such a good time to be away.  I can't wait to plan my next big trip: India

Zanzibar

I have made it to Zanzibar, Tanzania!  On a last minute decision I purchased a ticket and met up with my BFFFF Pamela who live in Uganda.  Can you say beautiful???  The water is crystal clear, the shells look fake (I'm convinced they lay them out every night), and the accomodations quite nice (for Africa). Everyone is very friendly and chatty.  But most of all it is good to see Pamela!  We both keep saying it doesn't feel like real life.  I have never travelled internationally and this is quite an adventure.  From 9 hour flights, losing my bag, riding in a taxi in Nairobi, having a cancelled flight and catching 2 others in a crazy fashion...it has been crazy.  And frankly, I'm a little glad to get back to the states where I know the crazy. But here are a few pics from the last few days.

After we met up in the airport...it was hot and smelly and I was wearing the same clothes for the past 48 hrs.  But happy to finally meet Pamela! 

The reception area at the resort, a huge ass open hut with sattelite tv for the Olympics, a must have.

 First dip in the Indian Ocean

 While we were relaxing, the locals were working gathering algae in the mornings.  These kids were running around fighting over a bag and I grabbed a few shots.

Lots of colors 

This little girl was playing a game in the sand.  The children looked so sweet, I wanted to go play with them.

This post in from my new iPad!! A little birthday present to myself. I have not really used my computer since. My birthday was really good. I got back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks & felt really good. Then shopping & sitting at a coffee house reading. At night went to dinner with some awesome friends from church. Good dinner, good friends, good conversation. Although it is a constant thought in my head & a struggle to deal with an eating disorder, it has been freeing to finally feel that I can actually beat bulimia! I don't know what kind of switch went off, but I want nothing more of it. I feel empowered. Not to say it has been easy. I think every day I have disliked what I have seen in the mirror or how clothes fit or felt incredibly large. But the urge to want to binge has lessened, not to say it has gone away at all. It will be a process. I wish I were addicted to drugs or something I could just quit. But I am on my way to being free.

I turn 27 today.  I'm feeling very old and decrepit, I ran for the first time in 1.5 months.

This year I hope 27 kicks bulimia in the teeth and stands taller than depression.  I hope 27 becomes braver to show who I really am instead of keeping it inside. 

Just got back from a short trip to Ft Worth, Texas, to visit one of my best college buddies.  I was in Miranda and David's wedding 2 1/2 years ago and haven't seen them but one time since.  It was my first time to Texas, it was an adventure.  My expectation was desert with cactus, found some of that, but mostly brown grass with lots of concrete.  I loved hanging out and meeting their family of 1 dog, 4 chickens, and 4 ducks.  I also acquired an authentic pair of Texas cowboy boots.  So excited to wear them in Florida.  A few pictures will follow when uploaded.
Miss you, Dave and Miranda!!

A Hit

Sometimes all I want is a hit, like a junkie who needs a high.  Minus the needles/pipes/pills/ect, I am the same.  Food is my drug of choice and what I do with it is all I need to feel good.  Just a hit,  a binge, then a purge.  All will be ok in the world as long as I can get that high.  5 min later I feel like shit.  The cycle starts over.  All I need is one more hit.

I wish I had known what it was like to have an eating disorder before I had one.  I wish someone had talked to me frankly about the disastrous effects it would have on a person mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I wish I had known how it could destroy your life and leave you with nothing.  I wish someone had told me how it wasn't really about the food.  But I don't think you can really know unless you have been through it.  I don't know had I been warned if I would have gone down a different path.

I want my story to be known.  I want my daughters to know of their mother's struggle. I want my nieces to know as well.  I want the young girls, women, and even boys/men in my life to know.  I want to be an open book.  I don't want to hide behind the fake smiles and "together" life.  I want to share and openly struggle so I don't have to be alone.  Maybe even so someone else wouldn't have to be alone.

I wish people knew what it was like.  I know many understand because it is an addiction like anything else: drugs, porn, sex, alcohol, shopping.  One more time to get high.  But unlike drugs, porn, sex, alcohol ect.. food is always there.  It is always there, it will never go away.  You cannot quit it cold turkey.  When my day is overwhelming, I want to be numb and not feel, I'm bored, happy, sad (you name it), I go to food.  Or I go to exercise.  I have been both extremes of starvation to binging large amounts and immediately purging and doing it all over again.  I always knew what I was doing, but I didn't know why I was doing it.  I'm still working that out, but I'm getting there slowly.

My eating disorder is with me all the time, like a unwelcome houseguest who never leaves.  It mocks me.  It tells me either I'm strong for not eating something or terribly weak for giving in.  It tells me it will be my best friend, there when no one else is there.  It urges me to eat as much as I can until I can't stand it and hate myself and then remedy it by ramming my finger down my throat in a mix of frustration and euphoria.  5 min after, I'm ready to do it again.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about food.  What I will eat, how much, when, why, how much I could exercise to get it out, or to what degree I would use laxatives.  Every day I struggle.  I wish more people understood. 

What I do know is that I am loved.  I am known.   I am not alone.  I am not forgotten, though I may forget.  I am understood.  I do not always believe it, but I know this is a part of God's bigger plan for my life.  I'll forget it tomorrow as I always do.  This is why I don't want to hide, to be reminded of God's love for me in my struggle.  And the love from people around me.

Maybe this comes from being at the beach in bathing suits all week?  I don't know, but its been on my mind a lot lately to tell my struggle.  I am not very good at it, especially face to face, but I am working on it.  Its taken me 8 1/2 years.  Almost 1/3 or thereabouts of my life has been consumed with this.  I do not want it any more.