Ramblings

Wow, so been awhile.  Since September not much has happened in the way of exciting.  Mostly going to India the end of October and going on a Disney cruise a few weeks ago.  Both trips were amazing!!  I loved India, I want to go back.  The cruise was awesome!  Very top of the line and did not disappoint, as Disney rarely does for me.

I don't really know what to write any more on a blog.  Updates on life?  Well, my life is pretty mundane and boring, pretty normal.  I know that I don't have a huge fan base of readers wanting me to write more....give me a break.  I don't want to be the cutesy blog showing only the perfection of my absolutely perfectionless life. 

Which goes back to my life being pretty normal and boring.  Its hard to go through the normalness of life, the every day grind.  Work, sleep, friends, family.  I expected it to be grand and glorious when I was little.  "Grown up" life seemed so glamorous.  I didn't expect to feel like I've hit rock bottom emotionally, be alone and feel alone, struggle with depression, struggle daily with my body image and relationship with food and the addiction that would become.  I didn't expect I would ever put a knife to my skin and feel as if it were the relief I needed in the moment of so much emotional pain.  I didn't know that I would feel forsaken and left alone by God and struggle with an actual relationship and come to grips of with what I believe and if I really did believe.  I didn't think I would ever question what I believed about God.  I didn't expect some relationships with friends and then losing the relationship or certain aspects of them.  I did not know the depth of pain from death and losing some remnant of complete security and love until 2 years ago.  I never thought I would see a complete shell of a woman staring back at me with sad, blank, dead eyes.  I did not know the depth of wounds I have received and the depth of those I have given.

I would love to say my life is GREAT!  Until it becomes that way (if ever), I will figure out what to do about this blog.

Anyone out there like me that feels like a fake, a fraud, a phony?  Such a disconnect between what I want other people to see and what is really in my heart.  Afraid to say something because of what might be thought or how I may be perceived.  Afraid to say I struggle with an eating disorder, cutting, and so many doubts about myself.  I consistently and constantly doubt and question the faith I was raised with. 

I will be the first to throw the stone. But then I will probably deny it.

 One of my first good friends with long lasting friendship from Orlando.  We were almost roommates her first year in Orlando, became random friends watching Real World the first time we hung out, lived together my first year as a career woman while we lived with 5 other girls, was my inspiration for moving downtown, and had an eventful trip to Washington DC her 6 months away. 

College days at RUF, not a college party, ignore the red cup

Chik-Fil-A cows to get our free meal

Night out!

Washington DC 2 years ago

Can't wait to see you, Alex, and hug your neck and experience India with you!!!  Although I was so bummed when everyone moved after college or left the country...I have been able to visit different places and can't wait for next month!!!

Half of the time we were put out on the pier because we ordered a la carte instead of buffet.  Well, we weren't entirely alone because we had a rat with us

Floating in the ocean, in my happy place

Motorcycle ride into town...scary and exhilarating all at the same time.  I kept thinking, if we crash, I will die here in Africa.  But that didn't happen

I thought this was hilarious to put on the bottle

Some of the fake shells I brought home with me

The kids mobbed me one day trying to braid my hair.  They would talk to me as if I understood

The little boy on the far left was my favorite

First goodbye at the resort

Second goodbye when my plane was delayed in Zanzibar

Last goodbye after we ran into each other in Nairobi

Finally back from Zanzibar, what a long trip there and back.  It was amazing, such a good time away from life for awhile.  I'm glad to be back in America, except that Pamela is in Africa still.  Such a sweet friend.  I have done things I never thought I would do like flying around the world by myself, swimming with wild dolphins, scuba diving in an awesome coral reef, and  a scary/exhilarating motorcycle ride.
Such a good time to be away.  I can't wait to plan my next big trip: India

Zanzibar

I have made it to Zanzibar, Tanzania!  On a last minute decision I purchased a ticket and met up with my BFFFF Pamela who live in Uganda.  Can you say beautiful???  The water is crystal clear, the shells look fake (I'm convinced they lay them out every night), and the accomodations quite nice (for Africa). Everyone is very friendly and chatty.  But most of all it is good to see Pamela!  We both keep saying it doesn't feel like real life.  I have never travelled internationally and this is quite an adventure.  From 9 hour flights, losing my bag, riding in a taxi in Nairobi, having a cancelled flight and catching 2 others in a crazy fashion...it has been crazy.  And frankly, I'm a little glad to get back to the states where I know the crazy. But here are a few pics from the last few days.

After we met up in the airport...it was hot and smelly and I was wearing the same clothes for the past 48 hrs.  But happy to finally meet Pamela! 

The reception area at the resort, a huge ass open hut with sattelite tv for the Olympics, a must have.

 First dip in the Indian Ocean

 While we were relaxing, the locals were working gathering algae in the mornings.  These kids were running around fighting over a bag and I grabbed a few shots.

Lots of colors 

This little girl was playing a game in the sand.  The children looked so sweet, I wanted to go play with them.

This post in from my new iPad!! A little birthday present to myself. I have not really used my computer since. My birthday was really good. I got back to the gym for the first time in a few weeks & felt really good. Then shopping & sitting at a coffee house reading. At night went to dinner with some awesome friends from church. Good dinner, good friends, good conversation. Although it is a constant thought in my head & a struggle to deal with an eating disorder, it has been freeing to finally feel that I can actually beat bulimia! I don't know what kind of switch went off, but I want nothing more of it. I feel empowered. Not to say it has been easy. I think every day I have disliked what I have seen in the mirror or how clothes fit or felt incredibly large. But the urge to want to binge has lessened, not to say it has gone away at all. It will be a process. I wish I were addicted to drugs or something I could just quit. But I am on my way to being free.

I turn 27 today.  I'm feeling very old and decrepit, I ran for the first time in 1.5 months.

This year I hope 27 kicks bulimia in the teeth and stands taller than depression.  I hope 27 becomes braver to show who I really am instead of keeping it inside.