Twenty-Five

I feel loneliness in my heart and long for companionship of friends gone. Today I am missing old college friends. Friends who have moved on to different parts of the country and different adventures, yet here I sit. Its as if I watch life on the sidelines. Loneliness has been my friend as of late. Not every day, no, but many a day. Its just hard, but I don't know if I make it harder on myself than it should be.

Contentment. I wrestle with this stupid feeling or lack of. Ok, God, where are you taking me in this life?? How can others around me know what they are supposed to be doing and yet I feel like a wanderer in the desert? By no means is my life hard, it is just the "every day-ness" that is getting to me as I ache for wholeness in a world where it will never be fulfilled. And I don't know what to do with it. I lately have had a restlessness in my heart for true and deep friendship, connection, giving and receiving love (friends as well as a longing for a guy...where are you boy?), living a life with some meaning instead of just passing through. I thought by now I would have it all together. Now I realize that may never happen. Or when I think I do, another wrench is thrown in the picture.

Hmmm, ponderings of a soon to be 25 year old. That, my friends, is a quarter of a century. What to do with my next 25? Am I wallowing here? I don't mean to be, just tired of writing about what I'm doing instead of what I'm feeling.

But, ah, what a beautiful morning I had at the beach yesterday. Thank you, Jesus, for morning beach days.