Work day 2 of 4 done and finished. 2 more days, halfway there!! And they weren't bad days, here's hoping that the days at work are better than the days at home. At least the problems at work have better solutions to the problems than the personal demons I battle at home.

As for the personal demons, I see that my life is full of them. They fester and thrive in darkness, eating me up from the inside out. I've been told the lies don't live as well in the light. Reluctantly, slowly, begrudgingly with help they are coming on. As scared out of my mind that I am in dealing with old and new hurts...it sure is a hell of a lot easier when you're not alone. But it sure is hard regardless and a long process.

And that is all there is to report on the Allison front.

I love blogs. Lately I have been searching the blogging world and reading into the lives of people I have never met. I love especially to see blogs with lots of photos, young families, kids, pets, arts and crafts, recipes. I love seeing how people spent their Christmases and New Years, family vacations, family birthdays, or other special events in their lives. I love reading up on people in different parts of the country or the world, different walks of life. I have a few that I am a die hard reader of which I do not know at all:

Rockstar Diaries (who I met in DC...!!!!)

Molly Piper

Joy's Hope

Fly Through Our Window

Pleasant View Schoolhouse

Of course the posts are just glimpses, bits and pieces. What is seen seems to be perfect, all together, making up the entirety of day to day. What is not seen is the day to day of life, not always though. But, of course who wants to put the day to day hardships up for the world to see? Its how I do life on and off my blog. Keeping the mess to myself, appearing well kept and together, only letting few in on the torment and tumult that goes on in my heart. Keeping people as close as I can but still an arm's distance away.

Oh younger days...don't you just love the 80's? I regret I was a child for only half of them.

Classic tub pic...lenses out of glasses, what??

The best gingerbread houses ever. I remember loving my house, it lasted several weeks. Don't know how good it was by then. I love Melissa's bear sweatshirt, we had matching ones.

Sweet sister time...Oh little Allison, there is so much you didn't know.

I spent a couple of hours looking through pictures when I was younger, I can remember mostly what I felt like. I remember being mostly awkward, except when I was a little little girl 8 years and younger. I love old pictures.

Picture for the Day

10 years ago this week, my little brother joined us. Happy 10th birthday, bud, I love you. And Happy Birthday to my dad as well, but I won't say how old he is. :)
(Yes, my sweatshirt says "athelete" on it)

Last night I went to bed at 7pm, woke up at 5am. That's 10 hours of much needed sleep. Went into work only to see I wasn't on the schedule and I wasn't needed. Did I want to float, or did I want to go home. HOME! So, I walked out. That was the first time I have ever had the choice, so I took it. Will I regret it, maybe, when I get my paycheck, yes. I went to bed feeling not so great, rather depressed, woke up feeling about the same way. On days like that the last thing I want to do is work, even if it gives me something to do or takes my mind off things. The day tends to go south anyways.

Today I will take down all my Christmas decorations. Very sad. The tree has bugs anyways, and I need to get that thing outta here. I also am going to make a budget. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University helped me get rid of all of my debt the past 2 years. Yet, once that was out of the way, my budget kind of went to pieces and I haven't been doing very well at it. 2011 is the year of the budget. I really want to save all I can this year, that is one of my goal's going into the new year. I want to be financially secure, you never know what is gonna happen.

Among other goals I want to run a marathon this year. After completing my half marathon a month ago, I know I can do an entire one! I have a couple of races lined up already, a half marathon and 15K in March, maybe another half in April. But I haven't decided on the marathon. There are a few back home that look appealing to me that happen in October and November.

I look forward to 2011. I am praying for a year of healing. I began the process back in October, seeking guidance in counseling. This season of my life is so so difficult. It has been for several years. I don't understand the why's or reasons behind what we go through. Except there is hope, there is grace, there will be healing. I will always carry the scars as remembrance, but I won't always carry the burden.

Christmas has come and gone, once again. It always seems to be looming then hits fast and goes by so quickly. It was different having the distraction of going to my grandpa's memorial service. It still seems so odd to think that he is gone. Grandma was able to make it to the service, but didn't come home until Christmas Eve. It seemed like there was one distraction after another. Feels like Christmas didn't happen, except I still have a Christmas tree in my living room.


It snowed all day on Christmas Eve. Hannah and I decided to take a 3 mile walk in the falling snow. It turned out to be very very cold, windy, and wet. But, it was good for the memories I think.

By the night time we had about 3 inches and were able to play!! My sisters and brother had an impromptu snowball fight which was really fun. Then I built a snowman along with John. We named him Wall-E, because we both thought he resembled Wall-E from the movie.

We took a trip to the country for not even 2 days to celebrate Christmas with my Mom's family. There were about 60ish people in total. The laughter, food, reminiscing, ect made for a good trip. I got out before the sickness hit, but was sad to have a short stay on the farm. I had a really good time connecting with family I see once or twice a year. One day a group of cousins went spinning...we have some good stories as a result. I always look forward to visits with the family.

I had a very exciting New Year's. I worked the Eve, in bed by 8:30, worked the New Year day. 2010 was a hard year for me spiritually and emotionally, but I'm looking forward to 2011. A year ago I felt very desperate, empty, lonely. I came to a breaking point that took months and months to have courage do anything, though I'm still quite cowardly in the whole process. I am not sure what direction I'm going right now. I still feel the desperation, loneliness, emptiness except I have a little bit of hope to get to the other side and the freedom it will bring.

It was so good to have Pamela here this weekend. I was able to meet one of her teammates for lunch at a delish southern restaurant. We spent an evening with the Johnson family. We went to church together, at Pei Wei and rediscovered the joys of reading fortune cookies (thanks, Ande & Kelly from last week's hilarity of fortunes). Sunday night was a small gathering of people to hear of Pamela's upcoming 2 years in Uganda, which is very very exciting. We braved the WalMart near my house for Christmas tree decorations, but unable to find a real one. Then ensued an early Monday morning hunt for a real tree from Lowe's. Visited with 2 of Pamela's Orlando families before she flew back home.

Here are a few pics from the weekend. We realized we didn't take any at all when we started taking them.

Matching sweaters...we both planned to wear them unknowingly to Sunday night's support dessert, but she won.

Thanks, Pammy, for fixing up my living room. We all know I wouldn't have done it myself! So cute and cozy and Christmasy. If only our fireplace were cleaned out, we could have some nice fires. I love sitting on my couch with some hot chocolate and a book, listening to Christmas music. So calming and enjoyable!!

I am thankful for my friend, someone to share in the struggle.

Next week is Christmas, and I can't even believe it. So far only my brother is the only one getting a gift because I bought his before the family stuff happened. Might not happen for anyone else. It will be a sad Christmas. My grandpa's service is Tuesday morning, which puts a damper on the entire Christmas week. My grandma is rehab recovering from her hip replacement and also battling against some pneumonia. I hate hospitals.