Memories

Memories have a funny way of popping up on you at odd times. Sometimes I think of random things and I start laughing...usually at inappropriate times to laugh. This week at work I was preparing some meds for a little old lady I was taking care of. She was 90. I thought about my grandma who was 87 when she died. She never made it to 90. Then I remembered preparing my grandma's meds 2 nights before she died and helping her take them. I still remember vividly giving her her meds while she was dying, remembering how she looked, remembering how it felt to crawl up in bed beside her and just hold onto her a little bit longer. I always think of my grandparents when I take care of old people. Now I can't help but think of them and get tears in my eyes. At night they seem to be more lonely than during the day shift. It makes me want to take time and be patient with them, love on them a little bit more, talk to them and get to know them a little bit. There are so many interesting stories if you take the time to listen.

26, a time for firsts

I turned 26 yesterday. 26....sounds so old. Sounds like I should know whats going on in my life, but I have no idea.

Yesterday was the first birthday that I did not get a birthday call from my Grandma and Grandpa. First for the rest of my life.

Not that the weekend was all a bummer. My best friend came into town. We went to the beach, took a special trip to the Sugar Mill, went to 4 Rivers Smokehouse, went to the farmers market, and had a fun pool party at the Johnsons. I had a lot of people who came out for my birthday. It was quite a lovely weekend.

But amidst all that there was quite a big hole. Missing that sweet call from my grandparents who loved me like no one else.

This past week I spent a week at Panama City Beach. Ahhhh....the beach. It was great. I got to tag along with the Johnson family and be their helper for the week. I love love love the Johnsons. Their boys are so sweet, fun, and refreshing to be around. Not to mention quite tiring after a few hours, but I love them still. And I do love Ande and Kelly, two of the most real and honest people I have been privelaged to know. It was good to have no schedule but meals and naps. A lot of free hang time in between with different people. I saw my best friend, Sarah, and old roommate Fitz. How I miss those gals. Such sweet friends who love me when I'm the most unloveable.

And now back to work. Only four more days left before I switch over to night shift. I really am looking forward to it, although I hear your social life diminishes. I don't have much of one to begin with, but I think I will be much happier on nights. Less stress, less nonsense to deal with than day shift. An RUF wife who is a nurse had done nights before and said it was less nonsense....that is just the word for a lot of what we deal with: nonsense!!

It is so odd to have my grandparent's furniture. The kitchen table that I grew up eating breakfast and lunches as a little girl. It has a drawer underneath that we thought was extra special and we would always look for scraps of paper to doodle on. I especially love the orange set of chairs, very 60's themed, but very odd to sit in not in their house. And I got this cute love seat. So surreal last night as I sat at the table to write, sitting in their chair. Its just stuff, but hold so many memories.

Well, I'm off for a week at the beach with my favorite little boys. Lately blogging therapy has little effect on me, so I am giving this a rest for awhile. Most of what I put on here people already know, but it also gives a false sense of being known. And as I go forward, the last thing I need is a false sense of being known.

Shame, boatloads of shame

Day after day, more of the same

Blame, please lift it off

Please take it off, please make it stop
-Avett Bros

The all consuming power of shame. Welcome to my world of dodging, hiding, avoiding, running, ducking, covering, acting like everything's ok.
My world is crumbling, for better, some say.
But it hurts like hell.

Remembering

I returned to St Louis this weekend to go to my Grandma's memorial service. It was good, but surreal to be in the moment of remembering her. It hits me at funny times that my Grandma is not here any more with us. I was expecting my Grandpa to pass, but never expected Grandma to go so quickly. I miss her.

In the meanwhile I was able to gather some photos and make copies. Eventually I want to make a memory book for both of them. Here are just a few: Enjoy!!!

Grandpa age 2. Isn't he a cute little boy? Look at those knickers!!

Grandma in high school. Isn't she a stunner?? No wonder my Grandpa fell so hard for her!

Grandpa in WWII. He served in the Army in Italy and France

I love this photo. Grandma was so cute and classy, even in her fishing outfit.

Wedding day: June 6, 1946
64 years of committment

Another stunning photo. I love the way Grandpa is eyeing Grandma in this photo

Style

This is how I will remember both of them

We used to have picnics in the awesome screened in porch out back. I have so many good memories of good food and good company. This is from 1987 when I was just a tot of 2 years.

Great Grandpa Bonnell, Grandma's daddy dearest. Grandma and her sister (my dearest Aunt Georgia) faithfully for 21 years took him to one their houses each night for dinner. Afterwards when he went to the nursing home for his last years they visited him every day without fail.

One of the fondest memories I have is the walks we took with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandpa used to throw quarters on the ground in front of us so we would find them. It was so exciting.

Volleyball 2003, Grandma and Grandpa came to see me and Melissa play a tournament up in Illinois. They traveled several hours and stayed overnight. It was a special time and I'm so glad they took the time to see us play.

This is from summer 2008 after I graduated nursing school and started out on my own career. Grandma and Grandpa were so proud of me.

I love remembering my grandparents. Sometimes I wonder how I could be their granddaughter. How did that happen? I'm thankful it did!

New Housemates!

These are two of my new housemates! They are fun, full of energy, and really cute!

I think I'm gonna like living here.
And I got new glasses!! Yay new glasses!