Just got back from a quick whirlwind trip to see family up north. Sad that I missed most of Christmas with family, but enjoyed the time I was able to have off. It was just the right amount of time. Had a crazy trip back home which included almost missing a flight, running through 2 long terminals in Atlanta, and tripping and falling while running up an escalator. Got a nice bruise to show for it.

I've thought a lot about what I'd like to do for the year of 2012. One of the biggest things is going vegetarian/vegan. We shall see, it will be an adventure for sure. Oh that and using my Brazilian Butt Lift workout I bought for myself for Christmas. Here's to a new year!! Excited to have a fresh start.

Change Comes Slow

You could call me the world's worst blogger, I'll take that title.

On call for the second time this week, I don't mind. I have a quiet house, the Yule log is on the tv, and I'm listening to Christmas music. It gives me some unexpected time that I have not planned out to fill with tv, computer, people, sleeping, eating. A quiet moment to reflect to the past year.

So much has happened this year and in one sense it seems like it was just yesterday, but it also seems like an eternity ago. The past year and a half has been one of enormous difficulty: mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It has been one of immense loneliness, deep darkness, incredibly deep deep pain. The walls I built so meticulously around my heart came crashing down. It forced me to look at my life, my heart, my hate, fear, my addictions, my relationships, my faith. Shame was my name, I wore it on my chest and I lived it every day. At one point ready to renounce my God. I hated the life I had been given, the choices I had made, the pain that I carried. I had no reason to live.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me.”
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
Isaiah 49: 14-16

At my darkest hours, this verse came true. I am not one for super spirituality as I feel I have been burned in that category....but.......

GOD HAS SAVED ME

• honest and sometimes intrusive (thank you!!) friends who came alongside and held up my arms when I couldn't any more
  
• a forgiving family with relationships that are slowly and surely healing
  
• the best living situation I could ever fall into, I love my roommate family!
  
• an amazing brother and sister, Ande & Kelly (previously only campus minister and wife), who invited me into their lives and their family; and their precious, precious boys I claim as my nephews and they claim me as their aunt.
• an incredible counselor who has patiently walked crawled dragged me through countless sessions and counting
  
• Wellbutrin and Celexa with a touch of Klonipin every now and then
  
• a new community in New City
  

Just a few of the main things that have brought me into this coming new year. Not to say I am fixed. I am far from it. I constantly battle all of the "lies" (I don't believe they are lies...they are truth to me) of my fears, addictions, relationships, life in general. Shame is still my name. However, this year I feel more alive.

Change comes slow. Sometimes you don't notice like twilight into darkness; like sunrise into day. -Jill Phillips from her new album "In This Hour" Its like a counseling session set to music, I HIGHLY recommend it.

So here to taking the fuel and pouring it on secret shame

Is it Fall already?? I can't believe September has come and is almost gone.

Work has held me captive for the last week. I have worked the past 6 out of 7 nights, with only a 1 day break between 4 and 2 nights. I'm not sure what day it is, or when I should be sleeping. My body is out of sync. And I have the darkest circles under my eyes. I haven't been able to exercise this week, which makes me feel more tired. After 13 hours on the floor, no one wants to go running or go to a gym class. I also haven't seen my housemates hardly at all for a week, or any of my other friends for that matter. I never work this much in a row and I don't plan on it, but I messed my schedule up for a wedding I'm in this weekend.

Its wedding week!!! Lauren, former roommate, childhood playmate, fellow Newsies lover, awesome Office quoter, creator of the triangle hair, Ricola shouter, green overall wearing, awesome Glo-Worm dancer, co-founder of Hairball Alley...well the list could go on and on. She's getting MARRIED!! Tomorrow begins the wedding palooza. And I still have to find shoes to go with my dress.

Maybe one day my posts will be updated with excitement, pictures, ect. I do have 2 trips planned in the next month: Virginia Beach to see Pamela, and Washington DC with my mom, brother, sister, and a friend. Looking forward to the cooler fall weather and seeing leaves change!

I am a terrible blogger, but oh well. No one is perfect or has it all together.

Excited for fall!!! Football season, pumpkins, cooler weather, no need for AC, maybe the leaves will change (but probably not). And I'm taking 2 trips to the east coast Virginia and DC area!!! Seeing my one of my best friends, Pamela, before she leaves for Africa. Looking forward to a 5 day trip up there. And then to Washington DC in October with my mom, bro, sister, and a friend. It will be epic. I will be able to see my friend, Rachel, who lives right outside DC. I really can't wait to go to Easter Market and eat some bluebuck pancakes. Can't wait.

And I am in a wedding at the end of September for a good childhood friend. Can't wait! It will be awesome!!!

Southland 2011

This past week I had the opportunity and pleasure of serving as the camp nurse for 460 middle school students at Southland Student Conference. I grew up going to this camp as a student from 7th grade to 12th, one year as security, and this is my second year as the nurse. I have also been able to go as the nurse for the weekend conference held in February. I really love this camp, it holds a special place in my heart. The weeks I spent were very enriching through music, the speakers, seminars, one on ones with my counselors, sports, blobbing, tubing, swimming, horseback riding, and getting to spend in depth time with old and new friends. There are so many memories that come back from various years. The themes, t-shirts, bands, speakers, fierce competition in sports. The year Pinewood became Piehood. The passion with which we disliked the big churches who dominated in sports and competitions. The inordinate amount of candy we would consume on a daily basis.

I enjoy seeing the kids go through the same experiences. My sister was the nurse with me this week. We served in a different capacity for these kids. And we were able to serve the counselors, pastors, and Southland staff. Some times I felt like I was there to put bandaids on scrapes, hand out ibuprofen for headaches, pepto bismol for upset stomachs. It was tiring, exhausting. We had a couple of kids who needed a place to sleep for a few hours when they didn't feel well. Two who spent the night with us with the stomach bug, which is no fun way to spend camp. But we tried to make it fun and memorable for them in a different way. I really enjoyed talking and getting to know a little bit about the girls who were with us. Sometimes we had cabin fever and were a little stressed at being in closed quarters for too long. We didn't have the freedom of getting out with the kids as much.

I see so much of me at that age in these kids. The insecurities, the similar passions, the friends, the awkwardness (but not realizing it at all), the intense desire to be loved and accepted by your counselors, youth leaders, and those you went to camp with. Especially with the girls, how much I relate to all of that. A lot of the struggles that come at that time, that are enhanced as you get older. My struggles, hurts, addictions, desires that have gone unmet have indeed shaped who I am as a person. Would I change them? I wish I hadn't gone through a lot of them, wish I still didn't struggle the way I do now. But I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through them. Would it be different for better or worse, I can't answer that one. I wouldn't wish some of my issues on my worst enemies. But maybe one day, maybe not even until heaven, I will be able to see the why behind it all, the end of it. But hopefully I can see something in myself that maybe I can help someone else, be it that little insecure jr high girl or that seemingly confident young woman who appears to have it all together (you could just look up the two in the dictionary and you'd see me)

Calm before the storm....

Just about to head into work, but not before I can sit for a few minutes and enjoy a hot cup of black coffee. And soft boiled eggs on toast. That is the best dinner/breakfast, should I call it brenner, I can imagine.

If I was a foodie blog I'd take a pic and post it, but I'm not. You will just have to imagine.

Memories

Memories have a funny way of popping up on you at odd times. Sometimes I think of random things and I start laughing...usually at inappropriate times to laugh. This week at work I was preparing some meds for a little old lady I was taking care of. She was 90. I thought about my grandma who was 87 when she died. She never made it to 90. Then I remembered preparing my grandma's meds 2 nights before she died and helping her take them. I still remember vividly giving her her meds while she was dying, remembering how she looked, remembering how it felt to crawl up in bed beside her and just hold onto her a little bit longer. I always think of my grandparents when I take care of old people. Now I can't help but think of them and get tears in my eyes. At night they seem to be more lonely than during the day shift. It makes me want to take time and be patient with them, love on them a little bit more, talk to them and get to know them a little bit. There are so many interesting stories if you take the time to listen.