Oh weekend, why are you over? Not really ready for the week, but I'm not doing too much this week. I have the 4th out, and I'm trying to figure if I can pull off going home. I have not much money to spare at the moment for gas.

Wedding weekend was great. I danced for 2 hours or more with great friends. I'm happy for the cute bride and groom! They are so cute together.

I did CPR recertification this afternoon. It went ok. I felt a little dumb trying to relearn and tell the lady what I knew and getting it wrong sometimes. I hate getting things wrong. I'm pretty much the type of person who doesn't want to get anything wrong, always right. I find my security in perfection of that nature. Nursing school brought this out of me in more ways than one.

Death Pants

I am pretty tired. I have been getting up every morning at 5 am, going to bed around 9:30-10. In the coming weeks, I will have to get up at 4, as my work day starts at 5:30, yet ends at 2:00.

This week has been orientation. I have gone to general hospital orientation, GN orientation, RN computer training. Next week I do surgical computer training, shadowing, and EKG's. Pretty soon after on the unit for awhile, I will be doing ACLS, which I'm stoked about!!! That's hardcore CPR and rescuscitation with drugs and defibrillation for people who don't know. Critical care was my favorite course in nursing school, and since then I have wanted to be a critical care nurse in the recovery room. Not only do I love the nurses who work in there (I did my practicum there), they like me, and they are planning on accepting me into their unit once I have experience under my belt and critical care training finished.

I also found out I'm not allowed to wear black anything to work. Guess what I bought last week?? Black scrub pants. Black equals death. I have death pants. Now I have to buy new ones. The plan was to utilize my 2 tops, and 2 pants over the next 3 weeks. I am forced to buy new ones this weekend.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. It shall be a relaxing time away from work.

I have a blog list, thanks to Nat!
VBS was this week. I did snacks for kids, which was very good. It was nice taking it easy passing out snacks instead of teaching or wrangling kids. I liked hanging out behind the scenes watching on the skits and runners and knowing who would win before hand (I have the inside scoop).
Monday starts my first day at the hospital. The whole week is general orientation, nursing orientation, computer class, and EKG class.
This morning I am babysitting for some Tolson kiddos for a funeral. Should be good times because they are cute babies. Then back home for babysitting tonight!

Allison M Bear, RN, BSN

I passed my test!!!! I am a registered nurse! I'm so excited and very relieved. I felt like I failed it and was very nervous and anxious the whole weekend. Ask my family. For sure it was not all my own that I passed that thing. I was sweating bullets, God is good!!!!

VBS at my home church is this week and I am a snack lady. I'm having fun visiting the classes and hanging out with kids. Also seeing old friends is nice as well.

Happy Birthday to my sister, Natalie!!! She is 21! Natalie is probably my best friend ever. How many people will think the exact same thing at the same moment and proceed to say it at the same time? Us, all the time. The first day I was here this week, we were thinking/saying the same thing all day. Pretty hilarious. We have had good times, especially the past few years. So, here's to you Natalie!!!!

I had a good birthday, starting off with breakfast with Miranda, a drive with Julie, an afternoon with Prison Break's Wentworth Miller, weigh in (3.8 gone, yeah!), and shopping with Lauren.
I took my NCLEX today, the hardest test I have ever taken. I wasn't sure of answers, they were confusing and frustrating. It took me 4 hours to answer 75 questions, I don't know if I passed or failed. I feel like I failed, but have no idea. This has probably been one of the worser days of my life.
I love the weather we are having...so stormy. I love it! I love thunder, lightening, lots of rain, its so powerful. Weather is pretty cool. I could go into meterology if nothing else works out!
Off to the gym.

So, I've had several mental meltdowns and moments of insanity while getting ready for NCLEX. Today is my last day to study for it, and I feel rather calm and mostly ready for the test. Tomorrow I take a dry run to the center to make sure I know where it is at.
Well, Happy early Birthday to me. 23 years!

NCLEX is beating me...I can't seem to study. I took a day off this past week and hung out with friends and family. I took a 150 practice test that took 3 hours and 15 minutes. Then I proceeded last night to use my roommates computer and took another test that stopped me at a question that requires me to type in the numbers. It wouldn't let me, and it frustrates me that I will have to go to school or the Kaplan center to utilize a computer. I hate this.

Not sure why I can't study or why I feel I can't study. In some ways more than others I feel beaten down by my own feelings of doubt about this exam and the knowledge that I have. I am more petrified at failing this exam than I am of actually doing it and rocking it the way I know I could. In the practice tests I take I have done the same the whole entire time, which is fine because at least its not worse. I want to do better, my best. I could get so many of the questions right if I would just stick with my first gut right answer, instead I choose the wrong one!

So, all in all, I'm struggling with doubts and the security in myself. I find great security in the fact that I know a lot and am successful in what I do academically. Its something I've always struggled with, because once its taken away, I feel as if I have no base. God has painfully revealed this to me the past 3 years. I looked to school, and look to nursing for happiness and contentment when I know God is the source of contentment. He shows me this all the time, but seeking Him is the hardest thing in the world. I can't do it without Him, so why do I try to do it on my own?